Nah, nothing is better than Mama Kim's sweet potato casserole. Seriously, that woman covered sweet potatoes with marshmallows and pecans in such a way that it caused yours truly to contemplate voluntary manslaughter when somebody took the last piece at Christmas 1998. Luckily, morality prevailed and my brother is still among us today. I told you, my appetite is legen....wait for it.......dary. (+1 for How I Met Your Mother reference)
Well, well, well....I don't know how to start. When I saw Trooper Taylor chest bumping and towel spinning before kickoff , I prayed to God and Erk Russell that he would tear his ACL and have to go to Athens Regional, where the pro Georgia staff would blare Larry Munson highlights in his room while they sewed his knee back together with barbed wire. This guy chest bumped Nick Fairley after he injured Aaron Murray at Auburn last year, making an enemy out of the Dawgnation and especially yours truly. It's all I could think about on Saturday before the game. As I poured my Wild Turkey and Sprite (Wild Turkey in honor of our enemies, the War EaglePlainsTigersmen), I contemplated another loss to these people. Auburn. The same Auburn who copies our fight song. The same Auburn, whose roster is routinely made up of Georgians. The same Auburn with a giant alumni club in Atlanta. We could not endure another loss and I could not endure another Trooper Taylor Show. I would certainly have gone to Ace Hardware in Adairsville, bought the most expensive chainsaw they had and cut his Escalade in half. (+1 for Any Given Sunday reference)
During warmups, I saw our guys looking at Auburn's sideline and I saw some confident nodding, so I felt pretty good. I assume they were sizing up Auburn's players, or commenting on the girth of their cheerleaders, but in any event, things looked up. Auburn's band played #1 of the 4,967 songs they would play on Saturday. Seriously, these geeks never shut up. They even played when UGA was honoring some faculty during a commercial break, which I thought was extremely rude. However, I have become accustomed to this, inadequacy often breeds intolerable rudeness.
They kicked off to us and Boykin did his usual damage and got us decent field position. Murray trotted out there and picked Auburn apart with precision passing and Crowell and Carlton Thomas gashed them for 8-10 yards every touch. Marching down the field, I noticed that Trooper Taylor started his towel waving. I could see myself, standing in line at Ace Hardware amongst the good people of Adairsville, holding a nice Husqvarna with an evil grin on my face. Then approaching Auburn with that same grin, calling Harvey Updyke on his cell in prison, saying "prepare to be one-upped, you nutcase." Dad would bail me out, I'm sure of it.
Murray finds King in the end zone to make it 7-0. I'm really proud of Tavarres King, the guy has flat stepped up since Boise State.
**Sidenote: I love saying "flat" when describing actions. It's a Southern saying that adds emphasis when needed. Like when some old fan says, "That Malcolm Mitchell can flat out run, boy." It means that Malcolm Mitchell can, indeed, run very fast. Mama Kim could flat cook a sweet potato casserole. See? It works.
We kick the ball back to Auburn and the WarEaglePlainsTigersMen basically mirror us offensively. They march down the field, pass to McCalebb, pass to Blake, pass to Lutzenkirchen. Poor guy. It probably took him thirty minutes to bubble in his name on the SAT. That would explain his low score and his acceptance into Auburn. However, the dude is a pretty good tight end. Malzahn and his "smoke and mirrors" offense run a trick play, where Uzomah and Lutzenkirchen hook up for a score. Two Georgians. Grrrrrrr. Trooper's towel is in full swing, chest bumps all around......and I can smell the 2:1 oil in my chainsaw.
Murray marches us right back down the field again. Carlton Thomas is on fire. The little man from Frostproof, Florida came out to make statement, to be forgiven for his indiscretions that got him suspended last week. Statement made. He had 127 yards this day and threw several key blocks that helped Murray stay in the pocket and toss TD's all over Auburn's secondary. Michael "Mighty Whitey" Bennett catches a 40 yarder falling down, over his left shoulder to make it 14-7. The Georgia sideline erupts and Jarvis Jones's internal computer turns on and zeroes in on Clint Moseley. Shawn Williams does the same. Shawn Williams is Predator Junior, as Emory Blake would find out in the second quarter. Our defense has become a swagger infested killing machine....jaws flapping, along with dreadlocks and Jarvis Jones's shoulder gun frying quarterbacks like a six piece bucket at Church's. Abry Jones, Jenkins, Tyson, Washington and Geathers are denying the middle like an overbearing bouncer checking ID's at the old Crystal Chandelier in Rome. Auburn would have a total of 9 first downs all day. The second leading rushing team in the SEC looked like a hungover fraternity flag football team trying to run the Statute of Liberty. Inept. Incapable. Incapacitated.
The game turned on the kickoff after Mighty Whitey scored. Tre Mason took our kickoff from one yard deep in the end zone and sprints up the middle with abandon. I give the man credit, he seemed fearless....or really stupid. Quintavious "Cootie" Harrow of Columbus, Georgia was sprinting from the right side, unblocked and zeroed in on Mason's chest. Cootie unleashed a lick that sent Mason to the turf, his shoulder blades striking the ground first. The Sanford Stadium crowd, already sensing something was brewing, went berserk. A collective "ooooooohhhhhh" came forth from 92,000 people. The entire kickoff team swarmed Cootie. It's already on Youtube with 2,000 hits. Auburn returned to their sideline, tail between their legs, reminiscing about the beatdown delivered to them by the LSU Tigers courtesy of big hits on kickoffs. Little did they know, another embarrasment was coming their way. They punted quickly on that series.
We traded fumbles with Auburn at the 50 yard line. Crowell dropped a ball trying to cut around a blocker. Then on Auburn's first play, Dyer tried to execute a reverse to McCalebb, which he dropped and Geathers fell on it. Onterrio McCalebb saw Kwame coming and cleared out, he was giving up 175 pounds and 6 inches. It would have been like an anvil hitting Wile E. Coyote if Kwame landed on Onterrio. Kwame and Onterrio....sounds like a cheesy clothing store in the mall. It would be like Hollister, you walk by and are instantly high from the overpowering smell of cheap cologne. Anyhow, we drive down easily, courtesy of another great route by King and runs by Crowell and Thomas. Murray finds fullback Bruce Figgins for a ten yard completion and score to make it 21-7. I love Bruce Figgins. The man waylays people on running plays, gets little credit except for "I wouldn't want to fight Bruce Figgins," from the occasional opposing player. Trooper's towel has gone silent. In fact, I can't really see him. Somebody saw him checking Craigslist on his laptop for "Irrelevant and Useless Positions of Meaninglessness" under the bench, so that explains his absence.
Then the game got out of hand, courtesy of the defense. It was like the early 80's all over again, when we were Junkyard as hell and battered people. I swear I heard "Owner of a Lonely Heart" blaring out of the speakers of an '84 Camaro on Baldwin Street. I've said it before, I would NEVER have survived the early 80's at UGA. Too much good football + less rules + a 19-20 year old me = a massive brawl with Notre Dame fans at the 1980 National Championship and we all fall into Lake Ponchartrain fighting in the back of a pickup truck that was on fire. Auburn receives the kickoff and Quan Bray gets nowhere. They run two unsuccessful plays. On third down, Moseley bobbles the snap for a second and then fires a pass to his right. In his haste, he did not see Bacarri Rambo hiding behind his receiver. Rambo jumps the route, taking his league leading interception to the house on a zigzag run that was effectuated by a devastating block on Emory Blake by Shawn Williams. Shawn hit Blake so hard that Blake's car threw a rod back in Auburn. Shawn and Baccari are two southwest Georgia boys that bleed red and black and flat destroy people every week. To the good people of Early and Seminole County, thank you for sending us these heat seeking missiles. The sideline and the stadium exploded. We got a penalty. It didn't matter. This game was over. I picked Jeremy Brock up over my head and Gorilla pressed him, channeling my inner Ultimate Warrior from Parts Unknown.
The second half saw Murray throw a total of one pass. A heavy dose of Crowell and Thomas is all we needed. We basically double dawg dared Auburn to stop us, and they got their tongues stuck to the pole and we stole their lunch money. (+1 for Christmas Story reference) They did nothing offensively. They could not run. They could not pass. Grantham looked at Gus Malzahn, Ric Flair strutted from one hash to another, and said "Wooooooooo!" It was beautiful. Richt had a evil smirk on his face as our first team offense trotted out there again and again, battering them into submission. Payback for Fairley. Payback for the Cam Newton Show, when he blew kisses to our defense in a brash display of cockiness before the game started last year. I can't stand that guy. It ain't the money thing, it ain't the cocky attitude....I just don't like him. Speaking of not liking someone, Trooper Taylor disappeared in the second half. He took his backwards hats, towels and chest bumps and went to apply for the assistant waterboy position at Georgia State. Bill Curry would be happy to have him, I'm sure. A piece of Tech scum like Curry and a showboat like Taylor go together like Auburn and probation. It just fits.
I predicted 31-13 and I am happy to say it was worse than that. Our rivalry was voted as one of the nastiest in college football in the Sporting News and I have to agree somewhat. It only happened recently but it's definintely nasty these days. We got along with all Auburn folks, but there was an edge to this game. It was like two guys meeting a year after one stole the other's girlfriend, it's cool now but everybody is just waiting on the tension to get sliced with the knife. Well, our guys chainsawed the tension and stacked up Auburn's team like next year's firewood. (see the chainsaw theme again? I'm obsessed. I'm in the car on the way to Ace now) I thoroughly enjoyed this game. We have to clinch the SEC East next week against Kentucky or it's all for naught. I feel our guys will be ready. 35-10 Dawgs and I will be there, to relish in the victory, with my damn chainsaw.
Other Highlights:
1) Penn State played their first game without Joe Paterno since 1965. Other things that haven't happened since 1965: a) Me giving a damn about a Big Ten game; b) Me allowing a man to rape a child in my presence AND not killing him with a baseball bat; c) Me drinking gluten free beer
2) Boise and Stanford both go down in unimpressive fashion, rendering the West Coast as relevant as cassette tapes, Rob Lowe, decaf coffee, sugar free brownies, Auburn's running game and Nevin Shapiro's standing reservation at Joe's Crab Shack in Miami.
3) Florida State and Miami played and nobody cared. That has not happened in my lifetime. Other things that have not happened in my lifetime: a) Watched a Braves game from 1st to the 9th inning without sleeping; b) Driven on I-285 without construction being done; and c) Left Athens without a "dude, guess what you did" story.
Well, well, well....I don't know how to start. When I saw Trooper Taylor chest bumping and towel spinning before kickoff , I prayed to God and Erk Russell that he would tear his ACL and have to go to Athens Regional, where the pro Georgia staff would blare Larry Munson highlights in his room while they sewed his knee back together with barbed wire. This guy chest bumped Nick Fairley after he injured Aaron Murray at Auburn last year, making an enemy out of the Dawgnation and especially yours truly. It's all I could think about on Saturday before the game. As I poured my Wild Turkey and Sprite (Wild Turkey in honor of our enemies, the War EaglePlainsTigersmen), I contemplated another loss to these people. Auburn. The same Auburn who copies our fight song. The same Auburn, whose roster is routinely made up of Georgians. The same Auburn with a giant alumni club in Atlanta. We could not endure another loss and I could not endure another Trooper Taylor Show. I would certainly have gone to Ace Hardware in Adairsville, bought the most expensive chainsaw they had and cut his Escalade in half. (+1 for Any Given Sunday reference)
During warmups, I saw our guys looking at Auburn's sideline and I saw some confident nodding, so I felt pretty good. I assume they were sizing up Auburn's players, or commenting on the girth of their cheerleaders, but in any event, things looked up. Auburn's band played #1 of the 4,967 songs they would play on Saturday. Seriously, these geeks never shut up. They even played when UGA was honoring some faculty during a commercial break, which I thought was extremely rude. However, I have become accustomed to this, inadequacy often breeds intolerable rudeness.
They kicked off to us and Boykin did his usual damage and got us decent field position. Murray trotted out there and picked Auburn apart with precision passing and Crowell and Carlton Thomas gashed them for 8-10 yards every touch. Marching down the field, I noticed that Trooper Taylor started his towel waving. I could see myself, standing in line at Ace Hardware amongst the good people of Adairsville, holding a nice Husqvarna with an evil grin on my face. Then approaching Auburn with that same grin, calling Harvey Updyke on his cell in prison, saying "prepare to be one-upped, you nutcase." Dad would bail me out, I'm sure of it.
Murray finds King in the end zone to make it 7-0. I'm really proud of Tavarres King, the guy has flat stepped up since Boise State.
**Sidenote: I love saying "flat" when describing actions. It's a Southern saying that adds emphasis when needed. Like when some old fan says, "That Malcolm Mitchell can flat out run, boy." It means that Malcolm Mitchell can, indeed, run very fast. Mama Kim could flat cook a sweet potato casserole. See? It works.
We kick the ball back to Auburn and the WarEaglePlainsTigersMen basically mirror us offensively. They march down the field, pass to McCalebb, pass to Blake, pass to Lutzenkirchen. Poor guy. It probably took him thirty minutes to bubble in his name on the SAT. That would explain his low score and his acceptance into Auburn. However, the dude is a pretty good tight end. Malzahn and his "smoke and mirrors" offense run a trick play, where Uzomah and Lutzenkirchen hook up for a score. Two Georgians. Grrrrrrr. Trooper's towel is in full swing, chest bumps all around......and I can smell the 2:1 oil in my chainsaw.
Murray marches us right back down the field again. Carlton Thomas is on fire. The little man from Frostproof, Florida came out to make statement, to be forgiven for his indiscretions that got him suspended last week. Statement made. He had 127 yards this day and threw several key blocks that helped Murray stay in the pocket and toss TD's all over Auburn's secondary. Michael "Mighty Whitey" Bennett catches a 40 yarder falling down, over his left shoulder to make it 14-7. The Georgia sideline erupts and Jarvis Jones's internal computer turns on and zeroes in on Clint Moseley. Shawn Williams does the same. Shawn Williams is Predator Junior, as Emory Blake would find out in the second quarter. Our defense has become a swagger infested killing machine....jaws flapping, along with dreadlocks and Jarvis Jones's shoulder gun frying quarterbacks like a six piece bucket at Church's. Abry Jones, Jenkins, Tyson, Washington and Geathers are denying the middle like an overbearing bouncer checking ID's at the old Crystal Chandelier in Rome. Auburn would have a total of 9 first downs all day. The second leading rushing team in the SEC looked like a hungover fraternity flag football team trying to run the Statute of Liberty. Inept. Incapable. Incapacitated.
The game turned on the kickoff after Mighty Whitey scored. Tre Mason took our kickoff from one yard deep in the end zone and sprints up the middle with abandon. I give the man credit, he seemed fearless....or really stupid. Quintavious "Cootie" Harrow of Columbus, Georgia was sprinting from the right side, unblocked and zeroed in on Mason's chest. Cootie unleashed a lick that sent Mason to the turf, his shoulder blades striking the ground first. The Sanford Stadium crowd, already sensing something was brewing, went berserk. A collective "ooooooohhhhhh" came forth from 92,000 people. The entire kickoff team swarmed Cootie. It's already on Youtube with 2,000 hits. Auburn returned to their sideline, tail between their legs, reminiscing about the beatdown delivered to them by the LSU Tigers courtesy of big hits on kickoffs. Little did they know, another embarrasment was coming their way. They punted quickly on that series.
We traded fumbles with Auburn at the 50 yard line. Crowell dropped a ball trying to cut around a blocker. Then on Auburn's first play, Dyer tried to execute a reverse to McCalebb, which he dropped and Geathers fell on it. Onterrio McCalebb saw Kwame coming and cleared out, he was giving up 175 pounds and 6 inches. It would have been like an anvil hitting Wile E. Coyote if Kwame landed on Onterrio. Kwame and Onterrio....sounds like a cheesy clothing store in the mall. It would be like Hollister, you walk by and are instantly high from the overpowering smell of cheap cologne. Anyhow, we drive down easily, courtesy of another great route by King and runs by Crowell and Thomas. Murray finds fullback Bruce Figgins for a ten yard completion and score to make it 21-7. I love Bruce Figgins. The man waylays people on running plays, gets little credit except for "I wouldn't want to fight Bruce Figgins," from the occasional opposing player. Trooper's towel has gone silent. In fact, I can't really see him. Somebody saw him checking Craigslist on his laptop for "Irrelevant and Useless Positions of Meaninglessness" under the bench, so that explains his absence.
Then the game got out of hand, courtesy of the defense. It was like the early 80's all over again, when we were Junkyard as hell and battered people. I swear I heard "Owner of a Lonely Heart" blaring out of the speakers of an '84 Camaro on Baldwin Street. I've said it before, I would NEVER have survived the early 80's at UGA. Too much good football + less rules + a 19-20 year old me = a massive brawl with Notre Dame fans at the 1980 National Championship and we all fall into Lake Ponchartrain fighting in the back of a pickup truck that was on fire. Auburn receives the kickoff and Quan Bray gets nowhere. They run two unsuccessful plays. On third down, Moseley bobbles the snap for a second and then fires a pass to his right. In his haste, he did not see Bacarri Rambo hiding behind his receiver. Rambo jumps the route, taking his league leading interception to the house on a zigzag run that was effectuated by a devastating block on Emory Blake by Shawn Williams. Shawn hit Blake so hard that Blake's car threw a rod back in Auburn. Shawn and Baccari are two southwest Georgia boys that bleed red and black and flat destroy people every week. To the good people of Early and Seminole County, thank you for sending us these heat seeking missiles. The sideline and the stadium exploded. We got a penalty. It didn't matter. This game was over. I picked Jeremy Brock up over my head and Gorilla pressed him, channeling my inner Ultimate Warrior from Parts Unknown.
The second half saw Murray throw a total of one pass. A heavy dose of Crowell and Thomas is all we needed. We basically double dawg dared Auburn to stop us, and they got their tongues stuck to the pole and we stole their lunch money. (+1 for Christmas Story reference) They did nothing offensively. They could not run. They could not pass. Grantham looked at Gus Malzahn, Ric Flair strutted from one hash to another, and said "Wooooooooo!" It was beautiful. Richt had a evil smirk on his face as our first team offense trotted out there again and again, battering them into submission. Payback for Fairley. Payback for the Cam Newton Show, when he blew kisses to our defense in a brash display of cockiness before the game started last year. I can't stand that guy. It ain't the money thing, it ain't the cocky attitude....I just don't like him. Speaking of not liking someone, Trooper Taylor disappeared in the second half. He took his backwards hats, towels and chest bumps and went to apply for the assistant waterboy position at Georgia State. Bill Curry would be happy to have him, I'm sure. A piece of Tech scum like Curry and a showboat like Taylor go together like Auburn and probation. It just fits.
I predicted 31-13 and I am happy to say it was worse than that. Our rivalry was voted as one of the nastiest in college football in the Sporting News and I have to agree somewhat. It only happened recently but it's definintely nasty these days. We got along with all Auburn folks, but there was an edge to this game. It was like two guys meeting a year after one stole the other's girlfriend, it's cool now but everybody is just waiting on the tension to get sliced with the knife. Well, our guys chainsawed the tension and stacked up Auburn's team like next year's firewood. (see the chainsaw theme again? I'm obsessed. I'm in the car on the way to Ace now) I thoroughly enjoyed this game. We have to clinch the SEC East next week against Kentucky or it's all for naught. I feel our guys will be ready. 35-10 Dawgs and I will be there, to relish in the victory, with my damn chainsaw.
Other Highlights:
1) Penn State played their first game without Joe Paterno since 1965. Other things that haven't happened since 1965: a) Me giving a damn about a Big Ten game; b) Me allowing a man to rape a child in my presence AND not killing him with a baseball bat; c) Me drinking gluten free beer
2) Boise and Stanford both go down in unimpressive fashion, rendering the West Coast as relevant as cassette tapes, Rob Lowe, decaf coffee, sugar free brownies, Auburn's running game and Nevin Shapiro's standing reservation at Joe's Crab Shack in Miami.
3) Florida State and Miami played and nobody cared. That has not happened in my lifetime. Other things that have not happened in my lifetime: a) Watched a Braves game from 1st to the 9th inning without sleeping; b) Driven on I-285 without construction being done; and c) Left Athens without a "dude, guess what you did" story.