So God Made Cass Grocery

God created the Earth and he looked down from on high,
He saw a certain group of people walking around with nowhere to go,
from Firetower to Cass-White to Cedar Creek Road,
A society without community cannot stand, said He
So God made Cass Grocery

God said, "I need a place where they can be home away from home,"
He needed a place made of bricks and wood
held together by the bonds of friendship and loyalty,
where good people congregate daily to talk about car parts, horse feed,
their kids, the Braves, their cousin's Camaro, the price of gas, PVC pipe,
Dale Earnhardt's death, the potholes on Shinall-Gaines Road, .44 slugs,
Skilsaws, chainsaws, roofing nails, the best way to get to Rome, food plots,
the red lights on 41, 2 cycle oil, john boats, Carter's Lake and dogs.
So God made Cass Grocery.

God said, "I need a place where characters with character can reside,"
Where Billy, Gene, Dee, Joel, Harold, J.L. Forrest, Doc, Gus, Junior, Marvin, Russell,
Jimmy Lee, Mark, Jubal, Andrew, Daryl, Ricky, Johnny, Eddie, Larry, Jim, Leon, Buck,
Earl, Randy, Keith, Mike, Dale, Matt, Brad, David, and W.L. can all say "hey" over a coffee.
Where they can pull up in their trucks after killing a ten pointer in Pine Log,
or reeling in the largest largemouth from a secret farm pond in Rydal and say,
"Hey, y'all ain't gonna believe this..."
So God made Cass Grocery.

God said, "I need a place where young boys can grow into men,"
Where they can pump gas and check oil at age nine,
Learn about lag screws, sparkplugs, 16 penny nails, water heater elements,
brass elbows, shutoff valves, drive shafts, cracked corn, and power steering fluid.
Where they get their first chew of Levi Garrett or their first drag of a Marlboro
and get laughed out of the parking lot with "we tried to tell ye!" when they turn green,
Where "gimme five in high test" and "car's thowed a rod" would send them into action,
Where things get done between Dean Durham's and Bill Dance's segments on the TV,
Where "This Ain't No Thinkin Thing" and "Tequila Sunrise" blare from the tiny radio,
while old men explain the difference between a Carolina rig and a Texas rig,
why you "pull" corn, why you "don't never check a radiator on a hot car," and whatever you do,
don't ever compare a Mossberg to a Browning.
So God made Cass Grocery.

God said, "I need a place where people can have pride in themselves and their town,"
Where crowds gather to admire somebody's rebuilt 327 engine,
Where the same crowd cheers when the car lays drag on the way to Adairsville,
Women never have to open their own door, pump their own gas or carry their groceries,
Where children get their first ice cream,
A place that is the first stop for newly licensed 16 year olds to show off their new wheels,
A place where you can order a 1/4 pound of bologna, a Moon Pie and pork rinds for lunch,
Where you can always borrow the water hose for your radiator or a empty milk jug for gas,
Where handshakes are plenty and you truly can "have a Coke and a smile"
and at the end of the day, you are glad that you were able to live that day.


So God made Cass Grocery.

Welcome to February: The Deserted Wasteland for Sports Fans

There are a few times in a year where depression sets in, despite anything said or done. It happens to all of us. Times where hope feels miles away. The wind blows colder. You get more irritable with others. Work days seem to last 15 hours. Traffic is worse. People honk their horns on narrow streets more often, deafening pedestrians, causing dogs to bark incessantly and children to scream bloody murder. Terrible things seem to pile up. I have already imagined what will take place:

1) Justin Bieber comes out with a new album, covering the Allman Brothers in falsetto with Taylor Swift and other modern "artists." Ladies and gentlemen, on the stage to perform Midnight Rider......Lady Gaga and Nickelback. I could see Gregg just set his Hammond organ on fire and light a cigarette on the burning ashes.

2) American Idol signs on for 17 more seasons and the new judges are Kim Kardashian, Diane Feinstein and Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: "Contextually, that performance was perfunctory and prognostificacious." (Feinstein nods, Kim is still trying to figure out how to write a "K" in cursive)

Contestant: "What? You people make no sense."

Jesse Jackson: "What do you mean, YOU PEOPLE?"

3) MTV comes out with MTV3, a network solely dedicated to Jersey Shore reruns, Bjork music videos and eternal Kurt Cobain worship.

4) Wal-Mart, McDonald's and Apple merge into one giant company, thereby decreasing the per capita IQ of this country by 43 points and increasing the sale of sweatpants, houseshoes, Monster Energy drinks and Mountain Dew.

5) The NFL and NCAA, under immense pressure, decides that football will be two-hand touch in 2013. The UGA Administration bans tailgating altogether, moves all our games to Tuesday nights and gives half of the athletic budget to the rowing team.

Your steak is overcooked, your coffee is lukewarm and one of your headphones stops working while you are going for a run. Just inexplicable horrors run rampant in your life. Yes, y'all, I am talking about the month of February for sports fans.

I have lived through 31 Februarys in my life, each one worse than the last. Nothing happens in February. Football is gone. Baseball is a non-entity until March. Basketball is still in the midseason doldrums before their playoff runs. I think 37 people attended the last Hawks home game and that was a bunch of youth recreation teams who got in free. NASCAR has yet to begin, but quite frankly, it is no longer interesting to me. I did attempt to watch soccer last week at a bar in Manhattan but I instantly went into a boredom coma, fell out of my stool and landed in somebody's guacamole dip. When I was in Ireland last Fall, I watched soccer in a pub there, amongst the "hooligans" along the River Liffey in Dublin. It was Manchester United versus Everton (I think). The final score of the 2 hour and 45 minute game was 0-0. Basically, it was a cross country meet with a ball added into the mix. It got so bad that I started playing a drinking game by myself. Every time I thought about throwing myself into the river, I took a drink. 14 Guinness pints lost their lives that evening. These Irishmen were going NUTS over this game. It was like watching an oil puddle form in a Wal-Mart parking lot. To make matters worse the next morning, the local paper had a three page write-up on how Manchester almost scored once in the first ten minutes of the game. I looked at my waitress, Maggie Shaughnessy O'Callahan, and ordered a shot of Bailey's for my coffee.

Soccer needs three things to be interesting, if you ask me:

1) Fighting: At least once, a slide tackle needs to result in fisticuffs. A brouhaha. A donnybrook. A bench clearing slugfest. Penalize the offender(s) in soundproof boxes next to each other, however, allow them access to dry erase markers so they may write their feelings on the box for all to see until they get out.

2) More Points: Extra points for longer kicks. Bicycle kicks are worth ten points. If the goalie scores with a cross field kick, the game is over, you lose.

3) Shorten and narrow the playing field by 20 yards: These guys are 765 miles away from the goal, no wonder they never score. I swear I saw a coach send a telegram to a player during the World Cup because he was so far downfield. If you want a gigantic American audience, it is not hard to entice us. We want scoring, blood, possibly a fight or two and scantily clad cheerleaders to shoot t-shirts out of a bazooka.

Signing Day does occur on February 6th, but even that has become a non-entity in the life of a Georgia fan this season. We signed the majority of our class in December during the early enrollee signing period. Our remaining commitments are firm and have no intention of switching. While this is a good thing, it does not lend much to excitement on Signing Day. The majority of the uncommitted players we are still pursuing have written us off at this point, much to the chagrin of myself and about 2,500 Dawgventers who have been gnashing teeth and blaming Richt for everything from the apparent loss of Georgia's "Mr. Football" Alvin Kamara, to the Kennedy assassination and the Vietnam War. We get our share of great players but we always seem to be on the outside looking in for these five star "holdouts." The same 4-5 schools are always in the mix for their services and these schools are normally at the precipice of NCAA sanctions or have already been nailed in the past.

In the last five years, the recruiting cycle in the SEC has become a form of cultural prostitution. The NCAA appears to be powerless to stop it and too unscrupulous to handle an investigation with propriety. Kids transfer more than ever before, creating these football factory high schools and killing the "hometown" feel of a Friday night tilt in Smalltown, USA. Mark my words, in Georgia, you will see the same 12-14 schools rotate as state champions every year. There will be no more Cinderella stories or diamonds in the rough. The Internet is a fountain of knowledge that needs to be turned off. I know more about these kids than I EVER wanted to know. I pay $99 per year to subscribe to Dawgvent and the content has dramatically changed since I started in 2004. What happened to the good ol days of 40 times, vertical leaps and cone drills? Now, thanks to Twitter, I know what Laremy Tunsil's girlfriend looks like Precious after an all night eating binge at Dunkin Donuts. Thanks to Twitter, I know Davin Bellamy was in a dorm room in Oregon with a bong (gasp!). Facebook let me know that Da'Rick Rogers likes to drink beer with fat white girls, Johnny Manziel likes to gamble on Indian reservations in the offseason, and Laquon Treadwell appeared to be $1,000 richer after leaving Oxford, Mississippi last time. Frankly, on the scale of "things I care about," the personal lives of 17 year olds falls below the following:

1) Did I download the live version of "My Baby Daddy" by B-Rock and the Bizz?

2) The number of times "Freebird!" has been yelled in the state of Alabama

3) My lamentation over my failure to buy a Hypercolor T-shirt in 1991

4) The 4,598,234 pigeons that just relieved themselves on Grand Central Station

5) The ignition timing of a 1983 Camaro

Money changes hands. Illegal promises are made. If this was a civil trial, there would a preponderance of evidence against so many programs. Those who appear to be guilty are never caught (in a timely fashion), those who play by the rules get left behind and the majority of programs, contrary to past years, now must "impress" the recruit. Kids leave their home state because they get better "deals" at other schools. Words like"bagman" and "under the table" have replaced "boy, he is fast" in recruiting discussions. Alabama picked up a commitment from Reuben Foster, a five star linebacker, yesterday. During his incoherent speech about why he chose the Tide, he used the term "business decision." That embodies all that is wrong with the state of recruiting in the southeast. When I was 18, the only "business decision" I made was whether I needed to buy the $0.79 Snickers or the $1.19 Snickers. The excitement of what used to be a wonderful day has been waning for me. I will still keep up with the days events but I'll only check the Dawgvent 12,537 times instead of my usual 19,435.

As you can see, I like to make lists when I am depressed. I am just going to bide my time until March gets here. There is plenty to do. Pitchers and catchers are reporting soon. College basketball will get fired up and the greatest spectacle in sports will ensue once again. The Walking Dead will return from its midseason break. The Beacon Theater has put out their new lineup for the Spring and it is going to be unreal. Yes will be in concert on April 9th. Brit Floyd, an awesome Pink Floyd cover band, will also perform in April. The most underrated guitarist in the universe, Joe Bonamassa, will be here in May. Most importantly, the Allman Brothers Band will be here in T-minus 23 days. They will spend half of March inundating the Upper West Side with 17 minute jam sessions, guest stars, Derek's unbelievable slide guitar work and Gregg belting out the words as only he can. I have already purchased tickets for a Saturday show and I plan for my "inner Cassville" to come out in full force. So, friends, I leave you with a final, more happy list.

Brad's Top 5 Most Underrated Allman Brothers songs:

5) Don't Want You No More
4) Little Martha
3) Hot Lanta
2) Mountain Jam
1) Dreams

I encourage each of you to listen to these wonderful songs and enjoy them. I guarantee they will brighten a cold, dark February day before you can say "I was born in the backseat of a Greyhound bus."

Mama, What is Dixie? Asked and answered in my own terms....

I had a poignant moment this week, courtesy of Facebook. Now, you are probably saying to yourself, "Facebook? Really?" In the midst of all the political rhetoric, Farmville requests, baby bump pictures, the vague "hey, look at me" posts, complaints about traffic, descriptions of what somebody ate for dinner, and how much everyone hates their job....you can find a source of inspiration or a random quote that actually makes your day. Mine came from my friend Rachel, who I've known for a decade. She now lives in Washington DC with her husband Will, who I've known about the same amount of time. I went to college with these two wonderful people and sadly, I have not seen them in a long while. I can say the same for many of my college friends, time and distance have rendered our relationship digital. Despite its faults, Facebook is an avenue to keep up with long distance friends and I am glad a few nerds from Harvard took it upon themselves to create it. Anyhow, Will and Rachel have a young daughter named Eileen. I would not know what she looks like if it were not for Facebook. She is a cute little blonde girl with curls, one of those quintessential Southern sweethearts. Rachel posed a question on Facebook that Eileen asked of her and I share with you now:

"Mama, what's Dixie?"

I thought about that question for quite some time. Is there a definition of "Dixie?" Is it limited to the physical? Can it be a mental state of mind as well? I pondered it over a cup of coffee. Then another. I realized that I have been trying to define this term my entire life. To hear a young child, with her life ahead of her, ask that question ignited the ever-present pilot light inside my brain. So, Miss Eileen, I will tell you what Dixie is, according to me.

It's where I was born, "early on one frosty morn," dear. Elvis sang this line in "American Trilogy" so beautifully that it renders my eyes misty every time. You should listen to Elvis, Eileen. You may not end up being a lifelong fan, but he defines Dixie in his own sense. Ask your parents and grandparents.  If you grow up in a small town, you will get the best sense of Dixie that is possible. There's nothing wrong with a big city, I live in one now, as do you. However, these melting pots often dilute culture as much as they build it. It has not changed me one bit, that much I can say. If you cut me open, my bones would be made of red clay and my blood would be water from Two Run Creek. I played in that creek countless times as a child. There is no telling how many periwinkles I collected, water moccasins I dodged, bream I caught, or rocks I skipped in this tiny trickle of muddy water. In fact, Eileen, the name of this blog is derived from memories of that creek. I hope you get a creek someday. Stick your bare feet in it. Grab a handful of the mud and get it under your fingernails. That mud is Dixie, my dear.  Walk downstream, using branches from ferns and willow trees to guide you. Just don't grab any poison ivy or poison oak or you'll be pink from your mother smothering you in Calamine lotion. I know from experience.

Get a Slip n Slide during the summer when it is so unbearably hot and humid that it feels like you are breathing in a wet dish rag. That heat? That's Dixie. Plug in your Iphone, if that's what you have, and blare some good music while you cool off. Listen to Marshall Tucker, the Allman Brothers Band, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and the Outlaws. Hear those guitars echo in the pine trees that hopefully still surround the area. That sound defines us. While you are waiting your turn on the Slip n Slide, take a moment to listen to Duane play his slide guitar. It will stick to your soul, just like that pine sap that you will undoubtedly get all over your hands. When I am having a bad day, I just turn on "Mountain Jam" and recall the smell of pine sap on my hands. That was from the countless forts that I tried to build. Build forts, Eileen. Build lots of them.

I had a dogwood tree outside my window growing up. I hope you get one too. When in bloom, they smell like Heaven. That smell? Dixie. Climb its branches, that is what they are made for. Endure a rain shower sitting on a dogwood branch, it will change your life. Ride your bike to the local store, if such a thing still exists. Go downhill with no hands on the handlebars, that is the only way I ever exited Kimsey Circle on my GT bike with 6 gears. Talk to the old men who hang around and drink coffee. Eat ice cream and candy. Heat up a Moon Pie and drink a pint of whole milk. You will not find people in coats and ties here, these people wear dirty boots all day and talk about chainsaws, backhoes, people named Ricky who call in sick too much, the Atlanta Braves, water heater elements, 3/4 inch PVC elbows and radiators. They are characters, but such is life in a small town. They are Dixie.

During the Fall, your life will revolve around football. Get used to it. Your dad will get with his friends, like me, and relive glory days and bark like a dog. Do not be alarmed, dear. This is Dixie. The smell of barbecue and a faint whiff of bourbon. Women in their Saturday best, which consists of red shirts, black skirts, heels and red lipstick, by God, let's not forget the red lipstick. You will burn up in August and then freeze in November. You will eat fried chicken, mashed potatoes (with gravy), macaroni and cheese (because it's a vegetable) and sweet potatoes. You will sing "Glory, Glory" when we win and ride home in silence when we lose (your dad will get over the loss around next Tuesday, that's about as long as it takes me). This ritual takes place in all Southern states, dear. No matter where you go to school, nothing will compare to the experiences you will have in Athens. There is no telling how many fake touchdowns I scored in the Hull Street parking lot, posing as Lindsay Scott. How many I threw to my parents and my brother, posing as Buck Belue. You may not do that very thing, but I want you to witness it, just the same. Learn the importance of a great offensive line, creative play calling in the red zone and always hate Tech.

As you get older, you will learn history. Our history is spotted, yet proud. You will hear of "lost causes, hate, segregation and Reconstruction." Many people will judge you because you are from Dixie, make assumptions about you and your way of life. Remind them, that the American way of life has been preserved by armed forces made up of an inordinate amount of your Southern ancestors. My grandfather landed on Omaha Beach on June 6, 1944 and lived to tell it. My other grandfather served in Korea. Many of the people who judge you are too cowardly and weak to endure such a violent and bloody struggle. Listen to the older generations. Learn from them. Love your Neen and your Meemaw, your Granddaddy and your Peepaw. They are like a welcome summer rain storm, wonderful in so many ways. Pouring on you while you dance around. Cooling you off when times are hot. Like the storm, they will not be around forever. Take lots of pictures and never, ever turn down a milkshake or a piece of cake they made. Always say "yes" to the question, "you wanna go fishing?" They are Dixie.

I speak in colloquial terms often, it's a Southern thing to do. We are the kings of reading between the lines. You will know when somebody says "bless their heart," to watch out for gossip immediately thereafter. You will understand when someone you don't know talks about the weather too much, to put your hand on your wallet. You will know that you "pull" corn, you do not "pick" it. When somebody says, "I don't know about that boy," that does not mean exactly what it says. When your grandmother "hopes you don't get in that cloud" on the way home, that does not mean you are physically entering a cumulonimbic realm of destruction. You can use phrases like "Y'all ain't never..." and get away with it. We have our own language. That's Dixie.

So, what is Dixie? It is defined by you. It's sitting in silence in an old cotton field, like I used to do. Breathing in that thick air. Watching the carpenter bees pollinate every flower. Looking down at my skinned knees, not remembering how it happened. Catching lightning bugs with my brother or listening to the Doobie Brothers with Mom while she catches some sun on the deck. Working at the store with Dad, hauling horse feed and checking oil, talking about whether Gregg Allman sounded better on "Queen of Hearts" or "Multi Colored Lady." It is the place where you feel most content, no matter how far you may travel. Where you learned more about who you are, than what you are. Where chivalry is not dead and a good drag laying by a 1977 Camaro will elicit as many cheers as a touchdown on a Saturday. Where you can be friends with people named Dwayne, Harold, Buck, Leon, Junior and Jubal. Where you get your first kiss, your first heartbreak and your first breakup song ("When I Call Your Name" by Vince Gill) If you ever forget, Eileen, do yourself a favor. Go back to your creek. Grab a handful of mud and put your feet in. It won't take long for it to come back.

The World Needs More Characters, Happy Monday and Lynyrd Skynyrd revives my Southernness

Happy Monday, y'all. I can safely say this without sarcasm. For one, it is 57 degrees outside and the wind is not impaling my face like an Arctic samurai sword. I am halfway through my first northern winter and I'm here to tell you, it is definitely colder here, and it is on account of the wind.

**Sidenote: "On account of" is one of my favorite Southern sayings. I have never heard any other culture use this phrase. It is usually said when blaming others for your problems or reasons why someone has fallen ill.

"Dakota was kicked outta school on account of that damn teacher upair (up there). She ain't heard the end of this. He won that fake Rebel flag tattoo at Six Flags, far (fair) and squar (square)."

"Chastity was not at school today, on account of her bronchitis." (Southern people tend to get bronchitis more than any demographic in the known universe.) Here are my sentiments regarding bronchitis:

Anyhow, in other great news, Lynyrd Skynyrd will be in concert tomorrow night at the Beacon Theater and I will be there. I see this concert as a golden opportunity to renew my "Southernness." Three straight hours of "Swamp Music," "Tuesday's Gone," "Call Me the Breeze" and "Gimme Three Steps." (at least I hope they play these underrated songs) I jump at the chance to revisit my roots. I am not afraid to dust off my Russell moccasins, my faded Georgia Bulldog t-shirt and relive some glory days. There are other Southern things that I may need at this concert and I have inquired by phone to the Beacon management to see if they can be done:

1) A creamed corn fountain;

2) A redneck toddler with a Kool-Aid mustache, a full diaper, and his momma on her cell phone arguing about child support, puffing a Newport;

3) People drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon because they actually like it (seriously, what is this new urban obsession with PBR? Cassville people have been drinking this crap FOR-EV-ER) (+1 for Sandlot reference);

4) When someone says "hell yeah!" it sounds like "Ha-yul ye-uh!" rather than "Hall ya!" or somebody than pronounces "Tuesday" like "Toosdee." ;

5) Somebody in the crowd has on a Bill Elliott t-shirt

My co-workers are already on notice about my lack of productivity before and after this concert takes place. Skynyrd is not so popular here and many people are not aware that they sing any other songs outside of "Freebird" and "Sweet Home Alabama." This is tragic, but a reality, and a testament to regional differences. Honestly, Southern people, name two New York Dolls songs right now without going to Wikipedia. (FYI: it's a band, not a house of ill repute) Finally, I purchased my Allman Brothers Band tickets for the March 15th show. They will be here from March 1 - March 16. This is a lifelong dream coming true, as I have always wanted to see them live in New York City. Strangely, unlike Skynyrd, they are immensely popular here and the tickets for all SIXTEEN shows sold out in a manner of minutes.  So yes, I can say Happy Monday and mean it!

I know one person who cannot say the same.....Lance Armstrong. The world's most decorated cyclist is about to become the latest pariah in sports history. Today, he is expected to admit that he doped during his incredible Tour de France victory streak and basically confirm what most people figured all along. Do I care? Not really. I never watched the Tour de France. In fact, I cannot tell you when it takes place, how long it takes or who has won the damn thing before or after Lance. The same can be said for soccer outside the World Cup, swimming other than the Olympic games and almost all winter sports. They could dope, cheat, lie, throw games, conspire, retire and set the stadium on fire and I would not know the difference.

What makes me sad is that so many athletes of my generation are being exposed as frauds, cheaters, dopers, criminals, drunks, addicts, gamblers, and some who are just bad people.  McGwire, Clemens, Sosa and Bonds....four men who captivated baseball during an era of revival for the sport that had lost so many fans to a strike....all cast down with Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson and others who will likely never make the Hall of Fame. They will be known for steroid use and Congressional hearings rather than home runs or ERA. Tiger Woods. Mike Tyson. Kobe Bryant. Hell, somebody tried to throw Michael Jordan under the bus for gambling HIS OWN money on golf games in the offseason. The guy wrote a whole damn book about it. The media has even reached back in time with their scandalous bloodlust. It's like they flipped a switch in the 1990's.

BEFORE: Mickey Mantle - # 7, 536 home runs, multiple World Series championships, MVPs, Triple Crown,  New York Yankee legend, centerfielder, Hall of Famer

AFTER: Mickey Mantle - #7, 536 home runs, drunk, womanizer, MVP, bar room brawler, New York Yankee legend, alcoholic, centerfielder, Hall of Famer

The Mick never cheated. Maybe he was hungover during some games. Maybe he got into fights. Frankly, I do not care about any of those things. I like to remember him as an icon of a simpler time, back when people minded their own business, and went to the ballpark to see him in all his greatness. To hear my Dad talk of him like he was larger than life. Even Mom, who does not follow sports very closely, knows something about Mickey Mantle. So what if Mickey and Billy Martin got into a fistfight with randoms at the Copacabana?  So what if he stayed out all night at the Plaza Hotel? He's not stealing from you. He's not forcing you to the ballpark. Media people knew Mickey partied, but they stayed out of his personal life, out of respect for him, his team and baseball. So what if Charles Barkley threw a guy through a window in a bar in Wisconsin? I met Charles once at the Four Seasons Hotel in Atlanta. You could not ask for a nicer, more genuine guy than Charles Barkley. Or that Kobe runs around with twenty five girlfriends or that Tiger's car was wrecked by his own nine-iron. I am not justifying the dopers or the frauds. They tarnished their game, their results are not true and any victory or records they have should be null and void. However, as the great Don Henley once said, "people love it when you lose, they love Dirty Laundry." Where does it end?

I think back to all the people from Cassville I know. None of them were perfect, nor am I. I knew people who drank too much. Got into fights. Spent time in jail or prison. If I judged these people like the country judges these athletes, I would have to read comic books to find heroes and friends. (+1 for Randy Travis song reference) I liked these people because they WERE characters, not in spite of their character. These people are interesting, not homogeneous robots with no story to tell. Imagine childhood without scraped knees, black eyes and bloody noses. It would the same if these guys towed the morality line every single minute of the day. I would have no blog or stories to tell you.

Like Billy, who used to tell us of nights at an underground watering hole in Kingston, Georgia where it was so rough that "you'd get knifed for lookin' at somebody crossways" or Tom, who would talk of wading through a sea of drunken fighters in bars all across Georgia. Another guy who discussed the time my great-grandfather paid him to haul illegal liquor for him back in the 1940's or my great uncle who drove the souped-up Ford that ran interference for it all. His brother, a combat veteran of WWII, used to own the store before Dad. He was a character himself who once got thrown in jail in North Carolina for staying past sunset in a town where he was not welcome. He did not go down without a fight, that much is true. Take Rick, who would smoke five Winstons in 10 minutes and tell me how he "whupped ever' (every) ice (ass) in Centre, Alabama" one night in 1984. Or our neighbor Johnny, who at 16 years old, wiped out this 25 year old guy from New York in the Big Lots parking lot who made a crass remark about his sister's posterior. I mean, he just cold-cocked this guy and stood over him and said, "don't you never talk to my people like 'at." I personally witnessed this and I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my life. Johnny just lit a cigarette, laughed and peeled out in the parking lot in his ragged out Chevy Beretta. None of these guys pretended to be angels and I genuinely enjoyed being around these people and I think my life has been enriched by them immeasurably. Seriously, since when did a good story start out with, "this one time, when I was playing X-Box on a Saturday night....."

The point is this: I hope America stops indicting people in the court of public opinion who are not 100% squeaky clean. For every Lance Armstrong, there is a Charles Barkley or a Pistol Pete Maravich, who may have been flaky but is one of the best basketball players to ever live. Some people are characters. Some people stand their ground when challenged and do not care what people think. Some guys like to party. I swear, the 1970's Oakland Raiders would be the scourge of the sports world today. The city of Oakland would have to start a new paper called "The Raider Rap Sheet." All those great Yankee teams of the 1950's would be suspended for half the season in today's world. Now, these guys have to tiptoe through their personal lives, speak in "coachspeak" when interviewed and issue public apologies for every transgression. Good Lord, if the guys from Cassville had to issue public apologies, the Daily-Tribune would look like a dictionary and this would be the most boring blog in history. Some folks may not see it this way and that is understandable. Maybe the pristine choir boy image benefits some people. However, if I had my choice, to quote Ronnie Van Zant, "I'd rather live with the hound dogs, for the rest of my natural born life."

Recap of the C(r)apital One Bowl: Corn shucked, Tide Rolled, SEC dominance continues

Well, bowl season has come and gone. A two week slate of gridiron grudge matches pitting 6-6 teams against each other in the Pocket Lint Bowl in East Bumble, Tennessee. Seriously, could the matchups have been worse? Better yet, could there possibly be more? I swear, 87 bowl games were played across the nation and very few of them incited any fanfare or interest. We have a new (old) champion in the Alabama Crimson Tide, who seem to make a habit of dismantling out of conference opponents like a 5 year old losing interest in his Lego fort. It was like Muhammad Ali of 1965 fighting Muhammad Ali of 2012. Notre Dame woke up no echoes on this day. The only echo I heard was "Noooooooooo!" as their championship hopes were thrown from a cliff and "poofed" in the dirt like Wile E. Coyote after another futile try to catch the Roadrunner. The SEC turned in an impressive bowl performance, save Florida and Mississippi State, who laid stinkbombs in their games. Florida was especially terrible. They had 4,235 yards of unsportsmanlike conduct/personal foul penalties, Will Muschamp had seven strokes, and the Florida "fanbase" just sat there stunned while a bunch of motivated nobodies pummeled them. Jeff Driskell did his best "Let's Panic and See If That Helps" routine and turned the ball over more times than an Auburn fan can count. It was like a Nutella milkshake with a side of steak on a fishing boat in the Keys with both of my grandfathers. That was my level of enjoyment. Thank you Teddy Bridgewater, I'm naming my next pet after you.

The Dawgs faced the Nebraska Cornhuskers in the Capital One Bowl on New Year's Day. Another ****** Capital One Bowl. We are the kings of the Capital One Bowl, followed closely by the Outback Bowl. If the Capital One Bowl were children, we would be Octomom. If the Outback Bowl were cuss words, we would be a Quentin Tarantino movie. Mark Richt should be the spokesperson for both.

Richt (in Crocodile Dundee regalia): "Why don't we put another shrimp on the barbie with our new Capital One card? With low, low interest rates and free rewards, that Dawg WILL hunt! G'day, y'all!"
(insert 3-4 UGA players pulling up in a go-cart and one says "the dingo ate your baby!")

Shoot me. I guess the draw was two programs hoping to revive past glory after disappointing losses in their conference championships. Nebraska was clubbed like a harp seal by Wisconsin, who lost their coach and only played because Ohio State was on probation. We came within 4 yards of the national championship. 4 terrible, awful, no good yards. 12 feet. 144 inches. Thinking about it makes me want to vomit. It's like downloading ITunes only to find out that your only choices are Lady Gaga, a bluegrass tribute to Led Zeppelin album and Right Said Fred. It's like getting a tee time at Augusta National and forgetting your putter. It's a thousand paper cuts, forks scraping plates and screaming 6 year olds wanting ice cream. Pure, unadulterated hell. I watched a replay of it and instantly threw myself into a subway puddle.

Anyhow, we teed it up and made the best of it. Our guys looked good running out of the tunnel. Thankfully, without black jerseys on. I am so tired of the fake juice Blackouts and the constant underlying threat of our teams wearing them for big games. Just put on the silver britches and freakin' hit somebody! Aaron Murray came out firing on all cylinders. For a man who has had some downs in his career, Aaron has had a tremendous amount of ups lately. The guy can simply throw a football as good as anyone in the country. He bombed Nebraska all afternoon. The vaunted #1 pass defense in the nation was shredded by our receivers to the tune of 427 yards. That's 1,281 feet. 15,372 inches. I guess it's easy to lead the nation in pass defense playing the likes of Idaho State, Arkansas State, Iowa, Minnesota, a probation-crippled Penn State and an 0-12 Southern Miss team. Real impressive resume there.

Our defense was quite suspect at first. Frankly, they have been suspect many times this season. Jenkins and Geathers did not play well this season. Many people fear that the NFL dream got into their head and they were worried about getting injured. People ran up the gut on us all year. Kentucky had their best game against us. Alabama rushed for 350 yards. Tech and Georgia Southern had field days, statistically. Hell, even Buffalo had some success running the ball. Nebraska obviously watched film because Ameer Abdullah ran. And ran. And ran. This little guy from Homewood, Alabama had an excellent first half. Thank God for Murray, King, Gurley and a blocked punt or we would have been down at the half by 10 or more. Todd Gurley is quickly becoming a legend. He was voted Freshman All-America, probably earned the starting nod against Clemson next season and was featured in the latest Lil Wayne music video knocking out a tiger bare handed. (Ok, I made that up. Sue me.)

The second half began inauspiciously. Nebraska ran the ball right down our throats, 75 yards for a score that chewed the clock like a water buffalo in South Africa. Now, we are down by eight points and the defense looks like hell. Grantham picked up a kicking tee and began to chew on it. I think Richt even said "darn it." Cue Chris Conley. The boy from Paulding County, Georgia. The Dallas Dart. The Hiram High Speed Missile. Murray finds him for a 49 yard score and then hooks up with Rhett McGowan to tie the score. Another northwest Georgia boy. The Gordon County Grabber. The Calhoun Catch Machine. The Sugar Valley Snagger. We force a three and out and Murray goes right back to work. We get to the 24 yard line and he connects with Keith Marshall on a beautiful pass and catch for the go-ahead score. Keith is going to be a great one, y'all. Nobody in the league will catch this guy from behind. There are still burn marks on Auburn's field from Keith's touchdown run there.

When Nebraska comes back out on the field, I notice some serious jawing going on between Shawn Williams and their quarterback, Taylor Martinez. This jawing also coincided with Nebraska's offense shutting down and doing nothing. News flash, Taylor. You are not in Corona, California anymore. You are dealing with a man from Damascus, Georgia. Early County. While you were cruising to the mall, he was lifting weights in an outdated gym with hand-me-down equipment. While you were having cul-de-sac parties and listening to John Mayer, he was having fish fries on the banks of the Flint River. While you were getting your awesome barbed wire tattoo, he was running on his dirt road, thinking about you. Things soured for Nebraska quickly and they had to punt once again. Murray lined us up on our own thirteen yard line and called the signals. Receivers ran their routes and Chris Conley broke open on a tunnel screen. 87 yards later, there was not a Nebraska defender in sight and Chris was halfway to Valdosta before he stopped. If you ever wanted to see SEC speed at its finest, Youtube that play. It was like a video game. In fact, I can only think of five things faster than Chris Conley:

1) Keith Marshall

2) The pace of the Florida fanbase jumping off the bandwagon

3) Charlie Weis's heartrate

4) Me, upon finding out about a free cannoli giveaway at Cafe Palermo in Little Italy

5) Lou Holtz trying to find a new pair of Depends before his segment about how Notre Dame could have beaten Alabama, if every player on Alabama's team contracted malaria at halftime, drank a roofied Gatorade and were put in strait jackets.

It was 45-31 then and the game fizzled into a clock running snoozer until it ended. Shawn Williams decleated Martinez on the next to last play of the game and screamed something into his earhole. I was hoping the UGA beat writer would ask Shawn what he said, but alas he did not. I guess he did not want his article to look like a script from Django Unchained. A good win in an unceremonious bowl game. There was one thing I did realize that made me sad, though. I'll never see Tavarres King catch another pass in a Georgia uniform. He dropped the last pass Murray threw to him, a beauty that would have made the score 52-31. I wonder if he thought about that as he ran to the sidelines. I will never see Jarvis sack another quarterback or jar the ball loose from an unsuspecting defender. I've enjoyed the Predator references in this blog and I will never bestow that title upon anyone else, I promise. The shoulder gun belongs to Jarvis in perpetuity. No more Shawn Williams. No more Ogletree. No more Rambo. No more Richard Samuel. I'm so proud of my fellow Cass High graduate. He is a Dawg legend simply for one amazing quarter on one amazing night in Jacksonville. I follow each and every recruiting class we get and I will miss these guys terribly. 2008 and 2010 were forgettable years, but I believe those days prepared us for the greatness of 2012.

In other news, Aaron Murray has announced that he will return for 2013. This instantly boosts our stock for next season. We go to Clemson in our first game and I can think of nobody I would rather have leading us on the field than Aaron. He has earned his day in the sun and I hope he can carry us to new heights in 2013. Malcolm Mitchell returns. Conley returns. Gurshall. Every single offensive lineman. I'm telling y'all right now, barring injuries, 2013 could be another special year. 235 days to kickoff! Go Dawgs!

Other highlights:

1) Florida State played Northern Illinois in the Orange Bowl. They won. 26 people watched the game, which was one more than Alaska Tech's game against Southeastern Guatemala A&M.

2) Alabama just scored another touchdown and Brent Musburger is dancing in the mirror to "Call Me Maybe" while looking at a still picture of AJ McCarron's girlfriend. What a dirty old man.

3) In a moment of clarity, at the post game conference, Coach Richt wisely said, "It's more fun to win than to lose." It's also colder in Canada than in Mexico, oceans are bigger than lakes, 2 is more than 1 and Florida had the worst bowl game of any SEC team and their fanbase bailed on them quicker than the rich people on the Titanic. (sorry, those are some of the most obvious things in the world to me right now.)

4) I think the statement "they didn't beat us, we beat ourselves" should be banned. Louis Nix, the nose guard from Notre Dame, said something to this effect after their game. Nebraska players also went this route to explain their loss. I mean seriously, if you "beat yourself" to the tune of 42-14 and 45-31...that's just pure masochism.

5) I am happy for Alabama. I really am. I have many wonderful friends who attended this fine institution and for them, I am pleased. However, I am not of the "SEC! SEC!" crowd anymore and my fellow Dawgs should jump off this bandwagon now. Alabama's victory is theirs and theirs alone. They will use this to recruit against us and I don't blame them. Our other rivals have done the same. They are not sharing this trophy. We are not getting a day with the trophy to take a team picture with it. We are not raising any flags before our first home game. Some people have questioned me on my stance, "this is a Southern thing, man! You, of all people, should understand that." Hey, you will not find a more proud Southerner than I. I have proven this my entire life. I am loyal to my state and my institution beyond measure. However, conference loyalty, to me, is totally Pyrrhic. What have the last seven championships gotten us? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Maybe some pride, but what is that worth? 

Focusing on the Bad is no Good.....Welcome to 2013

Happy New Year, y'all. I cannot believe another 365 days have ticked away and we are welcoming 2013. Lots of milestones happened this year, some important (i.e. moving to NYC) and some that are just personal milestones of very little meaning (i.e., realizing that turning 32 means that I have been a legal driver just as long as I was not). In truth, I have been driving since I was 14. Most kids in Cassville got a head start on things like that. Dad would not feel like going to the dumpster with the trash, so he would throw me the keys and I would boogie down to Cedar Creek Road.  I remember depositing my first paycheck, I remember buying a house, I remember flying for the first time but NOTHING makes you feel more free than the first time on the road behind the wheel. Even though I was hauling foul garbage from Cass Grocery, complete with almost empty tubs of mayonnaise that had been sitting in the 90 degree sun for three days and that disgusting "trash juice" sloshing around with a smell that would knock a buzzard off a gut wagon....I loved every second of it. I would crank up "Take It Easy," roll down the windows and head down the road.

Many people often look back on a year and think of all the bad things that happened. I'm not sure why people choose to reflect on sadness and grief, to be honest. They are not wrong for doing so, but I get nothing out of it personally. I would rather think of the good times. Frankly, I am living "in the now" more than ever. You cannot change the past and tomorrow is not guaranteed, so live the next 24 hours like it is the best day ever. I think my Neen's passing had something to do with that.  Since I have subscribed to this philosophy, I feel much less stressed and I am not dreading going to work anymore. I feel like I am 16 again and back at the store, putting up 16 penny nails, restocking the Coke cooler and teaching yet another kid about how 2 cycle oil works. Granted, it was not all roses up there but we had it made. We really did. I try to remember what a "bad" day was like up there and it just makes me laugh. It would always be a collection of events that would make our days long and aggravating. We did not have an HR department or a water cooler to stand around and air out our gripes, so we just had to press on. So, here are a few events that I recall that could result in a "bad" day at Cass Grocery:

1) A customer drops and breaks a gallon jug of milk.

A gallon of milk can cover 375 square miles when it explodes all over a tile floor. It takes no less than an hour to mop and wipe it off everything because you cannot have any left to spoil overnight. Seriously, go drop a gallon in your kitchen right now. You will still be cleaning it when Spring Break rolls around. EVERY SINGLE customer afterwards walks in while you are cleaning it and say, "Damn boy, what happened?" I always wanted to say, "a cow was in here and sprung a leak, we got it stopped with some PVC glue and JB Weld, though. Thanks for asking."

2) The engaged gas pump handle falls out of a car and basically hoses down the front with flammable liquid.

This happened quite often with old Chevy trucks, where the gas was pumped into the side of the cab rather than the bed. You could stick your arm down the hole where the gas would go and the least little movement could jostle (another wonderful Southern term) that pump loose and before you know it, the front is a giant inferno waiting to happen. Before somebody throws a cigarette on it, you have to run and grab as much cat litter as possible to cover it up. Cat litter could dry out Lake Allatoona if you had enough of it. Of course, the presence of cat litter all over the front elicits much commentary...."you boys building a new bathroom out here? Hehehe. Hey David, these boys ain't potty trained yet?"

3) Catching a shoplifter.

In the rare event we did catch them, it always put us in a bad mood. I caught a 10 year old kid stealing cigarettes once and I locked him in the ice cooler. Literally, we picked him up and threw him in with the 7 pound bags of ice. I called his dad to come get him, which he did, and he spanked that boy right there in the parking lot. He never stole again. A local farmer once discovered that his son had pocketed some candy while he was buying horse feed and he brought his son back up to the store. He told me to make a big deal out of it, tell the kid I was calling the cops and he will never see his momma again. I did my best "bad guy" until the boy was bawling his eyes out. I wanted to dig a hole in the tile and dive into it. The farmer just winked at me and he dragged his son to the back room of the store and wore his butt out. He never stole again. Cassville justice always coming through in the clutch.

4) A group of senior citizens want ice cream and they all want the one that is frozen the hardest.

I love old folks. I really do. But sometimes, they can be as annoying as a screaming child. Without a doubt, I will have just taken a new Butter Pecan out of the freezer and an out of town church group will pile in the store. Each one wearing a fanny pack with socks and sandals. That Butter Pecan just came out of a freezer that was set at 23 degrees and of course, they all want that one.  It's like trying to cut a brick with a plastic fork. You tell them this fact and they don't budge, "awww, we were craving that one." They give the puppy dog eyes and you begrudgingly dig in. 30 minutes later, you finally finish the tenth cone, after breaking at least five into a thousands of pieces. I'm shocked my forearms are not 25 inches in circumference.

5) Dealing with bad checks and giving credit.

Many folks have no idea how many worthless checks we took over the years. We've had $5.00 checks come back stamped "NSF." I got duped for $100 by a con artist once, using a two party out of town check that would have bounced to Adairsville if I slammed it on the ground. So, I called an investigator at the county sheriff's office and I told him to be on the lookout for this "sorry sumbitch" around town. I forgot about it until six months later, when the investigator dragged this rough looking girl into the store and said, "Brad, I believe Miss America here has something to say." As it turns out, the con artist was her boyfriend and they got into a fight (surprise, surprise). He went to jail over it and the investigator recognized the name on the jail roll call. She laid $100 on the counter and he just winked at me. I gave him a free bologna sandwich for his trouble. We let people get $3.00 of gas on credit and then we wouldn't see them for six months. Then, these people would get annoyed when we asked them for the money. My favorites were the people we barely knew that wanted credit. They would come in the store, "toeing the dirt" and smiling too much. They would start off with the ever original line, "hot enough for ye?" Uh oh. Weather talk. Put your hand on your wallet. Dad had no patience for this and would just cut them off, "partner, just stop right there. I might as well take out a $20 bill and light it on fire right here. You ain't gettin any credit here." 

Those are some examples of bad things at Cass Grocery. They usually turned out to give us a good laugh in the end, though. I tend to think of the good people so much more. Like Tom, who would sit outside and smoke Winstons and talk to us all day. He ran a gas station/auto repair store about five miles away. He fixed all my flat tires for free until the end of the year, when I gave him a case of Natural Light whether he wanted it or not. He would never take any money from us and would get pissed off when I tried to pay him. It was only fair because my tires were magnets for wayward nails, bolts, fence staples, pieces of glass and scrap metal. One day, Tom said, "Got dam boy, you must drive through a barbed wire fence every day on the way to school." I miss Tom. 

Or Andrew, who was so strong that he could hold his arm out and I could do pullups on it. Really. He once caught these two trailer trash kids stealing fish hooks and picked them up like naughty puppies and slung them out the door. There is Ed, who always helped us pump gas when we were busy. Jackie, Joel, Harold and Dee, who would drink coffee all morning and keep an eye on things. There was little wonder why nobody tried to rob us, all four of them were carrying pistols on their ankles or in their pockets. Or Mark, who would bring me steak on July 4th from their family cookout. Or Lamar, who would sit outside and wait for his ride to the Shaw plant. When I was a kid, I would talk to him and ask him why he wore a shower cap to work, "I can't be gettin' no lint on my head!" Larry and Randall, who would indulge me with stories of serving in Vietnam and always ending with, "don't you never go to war, it ain't glamorous, trust me." When I was young, I would walk up to the store when my shift started. There is no telling how many times people would offer me a ride or just honk their horns to say "hey!" It's those simple things that you like to recall. They didn't mean as much at the time, but as you get older and time passes, you realize that it meant a hell of a lot. 

So, here's to another year. Here's to a simpler life. Here's to focusing on the good. Here's to doing what makes you happy. Here's to less stress, more fun and going to bed fulfilled every day. Here's to Cassville, Anderson, South Carolina, New York City, the Georgia Bulldogs, an eternally filled Starbucks cup, no traffic, 10 mph winds or less, the squat rack at my gym being unoccupied when I come in, running into good friends that I haven't seen in awhile, comfortable sweatpants, Rebel Rebel record store in the West Village, having a glass of whiskey on a cold day, the awesome silence of my parent's back porch at 7 AM, furry Kangols, live versions of "Stormy Monday," "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed," and "Jessica," sunrises and sunsets, combat veterans, pre-war apartment stoops, Napa, rigatoni bolognese, and many more years of enjoying and appreciating another 24 hours on Earth. 

Unopened Presents

In God's image, more than any of us, in essence
their innocence apparent, not even to adolescence
Swept away on this December day without hesitance
their short lives, like unopened presents

Too young to know of evil's permeation in this world,
their youthful minds, like a flag still furled,
Taken by a predator, acting not on instinct nor need
but on selfishness, wickedness and greed

A premeditated act is most reprehensible,
the tools of the crime render his purpose ostensible
Even with time to ponder his bloody mission,
One hundred rounds details a clear decision

An ax to grind or an unfulfilled existence,
may explain his utter lack of reticence,
those explanations, while indicative of the cause
shall not heal the broken hearts nor give the vengeful any pause

In this season of giving, he has taken
the meaning of Christmas, by him, forsaken
dressed in battle fatigues, like a soldier at war
in actuality, a coward, who should be standing alone at Death's door

Alas, he is not, but as the Lord once said,
He who sheds innocent blood, so shall his blood be shed,
Regardless of their death, no matter how gruesome or hostile,
The pure in heart shall see God according to the Gospel

For those who are left to mourn, the pain may never leave
in this season, where we use words like birth, life and believe,
For them, it will forever remind them of Evil's cruel irreverence,
as they endure a lifetime of unopened presents.

Poetry in (e)motion....Ode to the Dawgs

Ode to the Dawgs....by Brad Stephens

32-28 was the final score tonight,
The numbers do not reflect the measure of our fight,
Games of chance, toughness and misdirection,
All decided by one deflection.

No chance to win, said "they," our season would be foiled,
The Crimson machine was too well-oiled
Toe to toe, we stood to face the fire,
Their dominance and Coach's ire.

Mistakes were made on both sides,
Very few upon which were capitalized
Bama must be living right, obviously
Fifty one rushes without a holding penalty.

Despite the yardage gained, we held firm and strong
Could this be the championship for which we have longed?
A blocked field goal and the lead of eleven,
Vanished like the Ark into Heaven (+1 for Raiders of the Lost Ark reference)

We ran out of gas, or time, that will be the story
Three yards away from instant glory
Questions of decision will be asked forever
Maybe our quick fade was not so clever.

Regardless of the outcome and the tears,
This will be a season discussed for years,
On the brink of disaster to number three,
Those whose heart was questioned responded appropriately.

To the seniors, whose time with us is ending,
Best wishes and good luck we will be sending
To Jarvis, thank you for coming home and leading the way,
We all hope it leads to a big April payday.

To Christian and Michael, for your strength in tough days
To Rambo, for your leadership and big plays,
To big John and Cornelius, I say,
I'll take you on my line any day.

To Tavarres King, who came into his own,
To Shawn Williams, the will to win, by you, it was shown
To Marlon Brown, we wish you the best in your recovery
And of course, Richard...your 4th quarter in Jacksonville is still legendary

Finally, to our Coach, the man behind the curtain
One whose future at times has been uncertain
Thank you for the memory of this season,
One that defied odds, skeptics and reason.

I feel a renewal taking place,
No more moral victories will we have to face,
For in 2013, I think the SEC will firmly be within our jaws,
So hunker down, you Hairy Dawgs.

Careful Optimism, 90's blues and my plea to the Dawgs

Well, folks, it has finally arrived. All my years on this Earth and and never have I been able to experience this special time. It is something you dream about, something you yearn for and when it does not happen, once again, you feel yourself dejected and saying "wait til next year." As for the lucky few who have tasted the water from the Holy Grail (+1 for Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade), I am jealous and want to be in the club. I'm like Smalls in "The Sandlot," I am in the treehouse with everybody but I don't know how to make a Smore. I'm like Aerosmith, I've been on the cusp of greatness, but just cannot quite break through. I'm like Keanu Reeves, I've been successful, but nobody takes me seriously. Well, that time has finally drawn nigh. No longer are we waiting in line and hoping for a shot. No more will we wait in the shadows and praying others will fail. I'm talking about the Black Friday sale at Bloomingdale's, of course. God help the person who cuts me off on the way to the Yves St. Laurent display in the men's cologne section, somebody is gonna lose an arm. Somebody asked me, "what is Black Friday like in New York?" I simply replied, "Dogs and cats...... living together!! Mass hysteria!" (+1 for Ghostbusters reference) It is disgusting.

No. My Dawgs are in control of their own destiny. We are like Alicia Silverstone after making "Clueless" or Michael Keaton after he made "Batman," we have the world at our fingertips, all we have to do is step up and take it. So, are we going to do it? Or are we going to disappear inexplicably like those people did? Seriously, Silverstone and Keaton were poised to be Hollywood mainstays and absolutely faded from existence in the 90's. You know it's bad when you have to post a picture of yourself regurgitating food into your baby's mouth for attention. I guess Michael Keaton will have to pull a Honey Badger....attack and eat a cobra's head off...to one-up that little stunt.

The game this weekend is the biggest home game that we have had in 30 years. Playing our arch-rival, on ESPN, while both teams are peaking. Well, I guess Georgia Tech can be considered "peaking," you do not get much lower than losing by 14 points at home to Middle Tennessee State. Yet, I am nervous. We have choked away games in the past to lesser opponents. Let's face it, nothing would make Tech happier than to ruin our shot at the BCS National Championship. The younger generation of Dawg fans do not consider Tech a rival anymore, considering that Richt is 10-1 against them and they have only beaten us once, fair and square, in the last twenty years. However, truth be told, they did beat us three years in a row in the late 90's, illegal players or not. I can say that losing to Tech is the most despicable and awful experience I have ever had as a Dawg fan. Nothing can prepare you for the unbridled jaw-jacking, Chicken Little-turned-Incredible Hulk attitude of the Tech fanbase after a win over us. In fact, there are only a few things in life that depressed me more than a loss to Tech:

1) Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski breaking up on Prom Night because of her fling with Jeff, the new manager of The Max. Oh Jeff, how I hated you;

2) Cadbury Creme Eggs only existing in the United States during Easter;

3) The disappearance of Surge, the Coca-Cola drink that contained 12,876 grams of sugar;

4) The deaths of the lead singers of the Spin Doctors, Blind Melon and Sublime;

5) Side-spiking, Trapper Keepers and jean jackets were no longer cool.

Their fans screamed "To Hell With Georgia" during our alma mater and their players ripped apart our hedges after their 1998 victory. Then, in 1999, we had the phantom fumble. You would have thought that Tech singlehandedly ended Communism after that win. Another year of listening to smack talk from our in-state rivals from the ACC (Almost Competitive Conference). Believe me, it is a Hell that you do not want to endure. I would rather lose to Florida, Tennessee and Auburn every year. (oh wait, that was the 90's)

I have been thinking about the 90's frequently in the last few weeks. Being a Dawg fan was fun, but it was TOUGH. I remember losing to Southern Miss in 1996. Jim Donnan's first game. Some guy named Brett Favre ran all over the field, throwing impossible passes and sending us back to the locker room with an 11-7 loss. I remember Florida murdering us in Sanford Stadium in 1995 and Spurrier just smirking all game long. Tennessee reeling off nine straight wins, they could have beaten us with Jim Bob Cooter as their starter. (yes, he is a real person and he really played for Tennessee, google him) Vandy beat us at Homecoming in 1994, prompting my Dad to do the unthinkable with nine minutes to go in the fourth...."boys, pack it up because this train is going back to Cassville." Lots of 6-6 and 7-5 years, mediocrity and irrelevance. I also remember the good times. Beating Alabama at home in 1990 on a last second two-point conversion. The four-overtime victory over Auburn in 1996. The beating we gave the Gators in 1997. I will never forget Robert Edwards breaking for that first touchdown, running toward the St. John's River. You could feel the momentum as our sideline erupted. It was those moments that keep you coming back. No matter how angry they would make you, no matter how frustrating it was to watch us stumble week after week, we still packed up that blue and gold Chevy van and headed east out of Cassville at least 3 times every Fall. (I would sit in the back with my Walkman, my Collective Soul CD playing "Shine" over and over, admiring my thirteenth pair of Air Jordans and my tightrolled acid-washed Jordaches.)

We were diehards and still are to this day. I know plenty of people who hop from bandwagon to bandwagon. People who probably would have cheered for Japan in World War Two until the Navy crushed them at Midway and the Marines took Guadalcanal. It must be a tough life to be a turncoat but there are plenty out there. I guess that is the essence of human nature, it's easier to be part of a winner than to struggle with loss and hope to win. Seriously, how many random Texas Tech fans do you know? Now think of Alabama in the last four years, their "fanbase" in Georgia is coming out of the woodwork faster than Keith Marshall's forty time. I sure as hell do not remember them back in 2003, when Bama was at a low point, losing 30-0 at halftime in Athens with a terrible quarterback and a hopeless coach. They were either wearing Red and Black during their Georgia phase or still had not quite given up on Tennessee or Florida State. In any event, I have zero respect for that mindset. Loyalty obviously can be bought with wins, but I'd rather stick by my people. It would be like somebody asking me what my hometown is and I replied, "New York City." Yes, more interesting and important things have happened here. More influential and famous people have lived here. There is more money, more options, and more culture but there is no way, on God's green Earth, that I would ever turn my back on Cassville.

So begins the biggest triumvirate of games for us since Florida-Tech-Notre Dame in 1980. If we make it by Tech, we will likely meet Alabama for the SEC championship with the BCS title shot on the line. Alabama has to beat Auburn this weekend to lock in their spot. The likelihood of an upset here is about as minute as ant dandruff. In fact, only five things are less likely than Auburn defeating Alabama:

1) The Israelis and the Palestinians get together, Netanhayu says, "let's hug it out, bitch" and the Gaza Strip fighting ends forever (+1 for Entourage reference);

2) Tim Tebow leads the Jets to the Super Bowl and wins it, starts dating Eva Longoria and renames his dog "Mark Sanchez"

3) Mary Kate Olsen brings back slap bracelets as a fashion, breaks her wrist demonstrating their uselfulness, thereby igniting a campaign "PAFCSWATUTDHL." People Against Former Child Stars With Anorexia Who Used To Date Heath Ledger.

4) Rural Southerners all look at each other and say, "You know, Mountain Dew has way too much sugar."

5) An Irishman drinks a Budweiser and says, "Ahhhh, that's what Willis was talkin' bout!"

I hope the Dawgs are ready for the Crimson juggernaut because that is what we will see. A strong running game, tough defense and a cutthroat coach who I'm convinced, pulled a Robert Johnson and sold his soul to the Devil on a dirt road in Mississippi. It will be a bloodbath and if we come out on top, then we will have reached the pinnacle. Until then, I am hushing about it all and keeping a quiet optimism. An optimism that I have not felt in my lifetime and one that I hope to feel again in the future. So, let's do it, Dawgs. Do it for yourselves. Do it for your parents, your coaches and your classmates. Do it for your hometown and your state. Do it for all the naysayers. Hush them forever. And lastly, for all us loyalists...those of us who have remained...those of us who came back no matter how grim it may have been. Those of us who lived for Saturdays in Athens or vicariously through Larry on AM 750 when we could not make it to the game. Do it for me and my brother, throwing the football on Hull Street in our Bugle Boys, re-enacting "Run Lindsay Run." For my folks. For Don and Cheryl, Todd and Michelle, Lynn and Chris, Tom and Lori...and all the other Bartow County diehards. For Jeremy, Vinny and Jemel...may our gameday text message train continue to Miami. And if we are on the grand stage in the end and Sugar falls from the Sky......I know it will be Larry and Lewis pouring it on us and oh, how sweet it will be.

Recap of the Weekend: Irony, Auburn is Terrible and SEC East Champs, Baby

Irony is a very interesting concept because it exists everywhere. The physical world, people's emotions, states of mind, religion, politics, families, food, sports, Walking Dead Season 3, Auburn "graduation rates,"gluten free pizza....you name it, irony has its place somewhere within that framework. Authors have written entire novels based upon it. Plays have been acted out for the sole reason to illustrate the subject. People attend Georgia Tech on purpose to continue its existence. Irony can be very funny.

Junior Rosegreen wore #4 for the Auburn Tigers from 2001-2004. Ironically, that number was also his score on the famous Wonderlic test, which measures intelligence amongst NFL draftees. Just for a comparison, the highest score ever recorded was a 48 by Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Buffalo Bills. Congratulations Junior, you have the intelligence of rusty sheet metal.

Irony can also be sad.

General George Patton survived three wars only to die in a Jeep accident in Germany shortly after World War II ended. My grandfather survived North Africa, Sicily, Omaha Beach, the Battle of the Bulge and the crossing of the Rhine River, only to die forty years later in a farming accident. Carl, my grandfather's Army buddy, remarried my grandmother ten years later. He was killed in a farming accident as well, six years ago. (Funny: my grandma tells her doctor, "I've done killed two husbands." He looks at my mom in shock and mom just shakes her head.)

Irony can also produce anger along with solemn pride. I found this out last weekend. As I was riding the subway, I picked up a copy of the New York Daily News. The first page covered the flooding recovery and Obama's re-election, obvious topics that should have been covered last week. I flip to page two. There in bold print on the left hand side: "RACIST TWEETS FLOW OUT OF THE SOUTH." An entire article dedicated to pointing out the anonymous ramblings of internet rednecks and how much they hate Obama. The article cited some obscure website that compiled this information and of course, Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia were the main culprits. They even had a map of dots, outlining the locations within all 50 states where a "racist tweet" originated. First of all, I do not doubt that these tweets occurred. There are plenty of idiots out there (a small, small minority, mind you) and many of them appeared in non-Southern states. No mention of that, of course. Second, I find the use of the word "flow" to be in poor taste, considering the flooding that many just endured here. It made it sound like thousands upon thousands of Southerners were lining up behind their Iphones and desktops to reveal their inner Klansman. Third, for a liberal newspaper who obviously disagrees with such behavior, why empower these people by printing an article about them in the most populous city in the United States?

I believe the article was printed solely to cause angst and to achieve the "see, they are all a bunch of hicks" assurance to further disenfranchise Southerners. I stepped off the subway with a harsh attitude. I'm getting sick and tired of the divisiveness. Every time I step out of my door, I represent the people of Cassville and the state of Georgia. I take that seriously. White, black, male, female....regardless, I do my best to succeed with honor, obey the rules, help my fellow man, love my family and friends and do it all with a "how y'all doin?" attitude that has served me well. As I walked through Union Square, I noticed a familar sight. Row after row of shiny white Ford F-150's and F-250's parked all around the area. In fact, there were so many, you had to walk on the street to get around them. Security guards stood all around, making sure nobody messed with the trucks. Stamped on the side of each truck......."GEORGIA POWER" and "ALABAMA POWER." My chest filled with pride as I strode beside those trucks....looking at the plates....Coffee County, Polk County, Early County, Bibb County.....my people coming up here to do their part to help with hurricane relief. It was enough to put tears in my eyes. I sure as hell did not see an article about the Georgians "flowing" to New York and New Jersey to help out. I reckon the more things change, the more they stay the same. That's irony, y'all.

Speaking of Georgia, the Dawgs traveled to Auburn last weekend to play our final SEC regular season game and to drive the final nail in the coffin of Gene Chizik's career there. I could not help but feel good about this game beforehand because let's face it, Auburn has fallen to a whole new level of sorry and I love every dang second of it. I was not always this way. I, like many Dawg fans, will never forget the 2010 game and the antics of Cam Newton, Nick Fairley and Trooper Taylor. The dirty play. The outright thuggery that could have ended Aaron Murray's season and possibly his career. All the while, you see Chizik and Taylor celebrating on the sideline. I'm glad that Fairley and Newton are not doing so well in the NFL this season. I'm glad to see their failure. I detest the fact that Matthew Stafford calls Nick Fairley a "teammate." I wish Thomas Davis would ask for a trade so he wouldn't have to wear the same uniform as Newton. In fact, there's only a few things that I hate more than Auburn:

1) Car alarms in a parking deck
2) Running out of hot water in the shower
3) Al Qaeda
4) Pop Country
5) Jessie Spano (Yeah, i said it. She drove me nuts on Saved by the Bell. I'm glad she didn't get into Stansbury University)

The Pourhouse was full of Dawgs on this day, waiting for a bloodletting. It did not take long. After forcing a quick three-n-out, the Dawgs march right down their throats and Murray connects with Chris Conley for a score. He was dialed in all night and seemed really comfortable in the pocket. You see the Auburn crowd give up immediately. It was like a German walking into Paris in 1940 and saying "put your hands in the air" and the whole city fell apart. Their defense looked clueless out there. I must say that Van Gorder hire has been top notch for them, I mean seriously, they held Louisiana-Monroe to twenty eight points. If they got any better, they would be called Louisiana-Lafayette.

**Sidenote: Florida stole one from Lousiana-Lafayette on a lucky special teams play. At home. With a half full Swamp. If somebody yells out, "they are giving away free cannoli in Little Italy," it might get better...but I doubt it.

We kick it back to them and our defense just mauls them again. Auburn puts on a clinic of offensive futility. Air mailed screen passes. Sacks. Underthrown flag routes. Zero running game. Another punt and good ol' Rhett McGowan fair catches it. Rhett's from Calhoun and will always have my support. Honestly, we didn't need any punt returns. Murray does his best "I don't always throw touchdown passes, but when I do, I prefer to do it to Auburn" and we score with ease again. Malcolm Mitchell, Mr. Everything, with another touchdown on the year, making their secondary look foolish. (also making them look foolish....their names....Demetruce and T'Sharvan. C'mon.) Another kickoff and another brutal assault by our defense. Earlier this week, Chad Slade, one of Auburn's offensive linemen, made the remark that Jarvis Jones was not hard to block. Well, two sacks and two tackles for loss later, I guess that theory is out the window. Alec Ogletree went nuts once again, totaling 10 tackles and John Jenkins actually ate two Auburn players during the game. One of them was not Onterrio McCalebb, who has been on Auburn's team since 1976. (Also on Auburn's team for thirty years: Wes Byrum, the former kicker. I swear he was getting recruited while I was still drawing blue ducks on construction paper) (+1 for Billy Madison reference)

Tavarres King catches yet another touchdown. A beautiful throw to the corner by Murray and an amazing piece of footwork by King makes it 21-0. The TV cameras scan the Auburn crowd. I read their thoughts:

"Beer. Now."
"I hope my Toilet Bowl Cleansing test is cancelled on Monday."
"I need a hug...from my first cousin."
"(lost in thought, still trying to count to 21)"

More offensive (the adjective, not the verb) play by Auburn ensues. They actually never made it to the red zone once on Saturday. The one time they threatened, Shawn Williams lowered the boom on Emory Blake and he fumbled it away. Shawn Williams owns Emory Blake. He leveled him during Rambo's INT return last season, if you will recall. When Shawn Williams needs a beer, he gets one from Emory Blake's fridge. Christian Robinson also layeth the smacketh down upon Anthony Mason, who was also leveled by Quintavious Harrow on a kickoff last season. We have been doing a lot of leveling against Auburn and I love it.

Todd Gurley and Keith Marshall carved up their defense all night. Both had touchdown runs. Keith had a really nice one in the 3rd quarter, a 62 yarder that really made the crowd groan. He looked like Carl Lewis in the 1992 Barcelona Olympics, dusting T'Sharvan and Demetruce all the way to the goal line.  289 yards rushing on the evening for the Dawgs, I like the sound of that. Hell, even Marshall Morgan was 100% for the night. I guess the only way it could have improved was if Trooper Taylor had been on the sidelines to witness it. He was held out because, rumor has it, he is leaving Auburn and was trying to convince several Auburn recruits to go with him. Whats the old saying about rats and ships? Maybe it's rats and dumpster fires? In any event, it was awesome to watch the medieval beating and then watch them writhe in agony during the fourth quarter. If y'all didn't notice, the first string defense stayed in for most of the game. You don't think they wanted this shutout? That 2010 is not still in their minds? You dang right it is. Onward to Georgia Southern and Georgia Tech. The SEC East belongs to us. Whether we taste Sugar falling from the Sky or possibly something bigger, it has been nice to see our guys play with fire.

Other highlights:

1) Alabama goes down, courtesy of Johnny Football and an ill timed offsides penalty. In the post game, it was rumored that Nick Saban ate a pound of fence staples, drank a gallon of hand sanitizer and called a priest to issue Last Rites for the six walk-ons he killed.

2) Oregon racked up 3,465 yards of offense in their victory over California. (Auburn people: consult people from Georgia, Florida, Alabama or Tennessee to figure out how much that is)

3) The South Carolina legislature has declared November their statewide "whining and what if" month. I guess if conference championships were based on the amount of times you play "Sandstorm" a game, y'all would have it.

4) One more piece of irony for you on this Veterans Day: Years ago, the Atlanta Journal printed an article indicating that of the servicemen who participated in World War II, 33% of them hailed from the South. That is astounding considering that only 10% of the population lived in the South at the time. Now.....THAT is a flow I can believe in.