Wrong Side of the Tracks....L-I-V-I-N

In every county, city and town in the USA, especially the South, has an area they call the "wrong side of the tracks." (WST) The WST can encompass an entire town or just one street, it just depends on who you are talking to and where they live in relation to the specific area. The definition of a WST also varies from person to person, what is one man's WST is another man's Martha's Vineyard. There is always a certain tone in the speaker's voice when this area is mentioned, or if somebody lives there, it's like a black eye on their life resume. You know what I mean...I use Bartow as an example:

(Imagine two guys, Ricky and Shane, who work at Georgia Power, talking about a new hire)

Ricky: "You know that new boy on the job? I think his name is Leon."

Shane: "Yeah, he's aight but he acts funny. Why?"

Ricky: "You know he's from Kingston, right?

Shane: "Oh lord, that explains it..." (insert sarcastic tone)

See? Anybody from any county can imagine a similar conversation about a WST in their county. Me personally, I don't have anything against Kingston. Kingston doesn't tax me. Kingston has not bedeviled me with speeding tickets. Actually, some of my best 10 and under basketball memories took place in their old gym. But some people I know always have that tone when referring to it. "I wouldn't go to Kingston if you paid me!" You get the picture.

You also better be careful not to accuse someone of being from a WST when they are not. Many people, especially in small towns, will differentiate and claim unincorporated areas as their home. If you look at an old map of your county, you may see some named areas that you have never heard of. Many of these were simply old voting districts, a crossroads or an old train stop that found their way into the topography. However, many of the residents of these places, while having an address of the nearest post office, will claim the area as their actual home. I once accused an old man of being from Cartersville and he retorted, "Sheeeeeyat, I'm from Rodgers, boy." Rodgers? I looked it up. It's a crossroads on Cassville Road that encompasses maybe half a mile inside the city limits of Cartersville. But, by God, he "ain't from no Cartersville." When I was at the store, I used to purposefully accuse old men of being from another place, just to get that reaction.

Me: "You're from Acworth, right?"

Old Man: "Boy, you better quit talkin that mess. You know I'm from White(s)."

Much merriment for yours truly.

In Cassville, we didn't have a ton of square mileage, but we had a couple of WSTs just the same. Honestly, our WSTs were not crime ridden,  moreso it was just full of characters that may commit petty crimes from time to time. The main one was a trailer park that was situated about half a mile from the store. It had about thirty trailers with a paved road running between them, with their mailboxes at the entrance. Two things in Cassville were a sure bet: 1) if you checked the police blotter, somebody from this address went to jail the night before and 2) they were probably drunk from the last twelve pack they bought from me. These people certainly came by the store every single day and I got to know them very well. I knew their habits, their mannerisms, their families, and their life stories. They weren't all "wrong" or "bad" so to speak, they just had a peculiar way about them, and it defined everyone who called it home.

Like George, who drank more than anyone I have ever seen and still managed to hold a job. Every morning, he would meet us at the door when we opened at 6AM, shaking violently with DTs (unfortunately you can't drink beer in your sleep). He would say "hey big guy!" as he blew past us to the beer cooler. He would be shaking so badly, he would have to go to the bathroom, chug a 22 ounce Budweiser and come back out to pay for it. He literally could not reach in his pocket to get his wallet.

Or Randy, who used to abuse morphine and meth at the same time. He somehow pulled off being completely relaxed and wound tighter than a snare drum at the same time, which I thought to be impossible. But accomplishing the impossible happened every day in Cassville. This man once brought his electric guitar to the store, plugged in an old amp, and unleashed a methed out version of "Crossfire" by Stevie Ray Vaughan in the parking lot. You know what? It didn't suck. He would pace the floor, sweating like a hamster running in a wool sock, order an ice cream, forget that he ordered it, buy a Mountain Dew and ask who's ice cream I was holding. He once tried to steal about 20 Dixie Outfitters t-shirts, got caught by my brother, and proceeded to cry on his knees in the parking lot. "I love y'all, man, I'm sorry. I love y'all!" He died during a party in the trailer park sometime in the early 2000s. The coroner said he had been dead for four hours but nobody noticed. He was stranded, caught in a crossfire. RIP Randy.

My grandmother lived near this trailer park and she noticed the comings and goings of its citizens. One day, she was working in her garden and young man walked by and asked to borrow $2.00. She wanted to know what it was for..."milk for my baby," he said. She gave him the $2.00. Unfortunately for him, he was walking and she had a lot of work to do. So, when he came walking back by with an obvious Olde English 800 malt liquor bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag, she confronted him. You know the Southern woman confrontation.....hand on the hip, one eyebrow raised, pointing with her tiny shovel. "Don't you ever ask me for money again, you heathen!" ("Heathern" is also acceptable). The kid actually apologized. Nothing like a guilt trip from 75 year old woman standing amongst her cala lilies and 150 birdhouses. I love you Neen and miss you every day.

The population of this trailer park was fairly transient over the years. However, their transience did not seem to affect the WST cloud that blanketed the modular metropolis. I remember one family that lived there for years, until one day they pulled up in the man's pickup truck with what seemed to be all their wordly possessions. Clothes, shoes, toys, food, lamps, a recliner, and various NASCAR memorabilia stacked in the bed of the truck, with their three children sitting on top to hold it down.

"What the hell? Where y'all goin'?" I said.

The man replied, "Hell, her damn car backfired last night and burnt the house up. This is all I could get out, we're movin to Kingston. Thank God I was able to save that Earnhardt helmet, huh?"

I didn't see them for years. Although Kingston is 4 miles away, that's light years in small town Georgia. It's like a black hole sucks them up and they are sent to another galaxy. I remember one guy moved out of the trailer park and I asked where he went. His old neighbor said, "Hell, he moved to Rome," in a tone that would be more appropriate if he had moved to Sri Lanka. Rome is apparently unattainable from our particular location, that 24 miles might as well be 24,000.

A new trailer was installed and a new family moved in. A guy named Junior, who could not read, his wife and son. Junior would come in and hand me a list that his wife had written and I would get the groceries for him. He drank like a fish, smelled like an old gym bag and had zero teeth. He once peed his pants while I was getting yet another twelve pack of Natural Light for him. As I watched the stain expand across his pants and his boots get wet, he just stood there with an expressionless face, open mouth breathing. It was about 2:00 in the afternoon. Just another day in Cassville. A year later, they were gone too.

Then you had the guy who had a "new" car every week. By "new" I don't mean late model, I mean simply a different car than last week. He pulled up one day in a '86 Chevy Van with an airbrushed wolf on the side. Apparently, the airbrushing doesn't just apply to Gatlinburg t-shirts. This wolf was snarling over a canyon with lightning striking in the background. Forget "Starry Night." This is artwork. It was about 37 shades of brown, only half of the windows were tinted and there was a bullethole in the back glass. The week before he had a Firebird.

"Yep, traded that, three shotguns and a fly wheel for this baby. Sweet deal, huh?" Sweet. That's the word.

There are a million stories from this tiny map dot. One may call the entire town of Cassville a "WST." That's alright with me. If it gets me stories of missing appendages from fights over catching your woman with another man (another story, another day); Fudge Rounds and Yoohoo for breakfast for your kids and blowing your paycheck on Jumbo Bucks while you are geeking on meth.....bring it on. God bless em all.

Just Sayin and Bless Their Heart....Part One

This is a new segment that I am going to do sporadically, where I will point out something and then attach the aforementioned phrases to justify/not apologize for feeling the way that I do.

Just Sayin' Defined

UrbanDictionary.com defines "just sayin" as a "term coined to be used at the end of something insulting or offensive to take the heat off you when you say it." For example...

Man: "Honey, you look like you've put on a few pounds."

Woman: "What the hell?! What is your problem?"

Man: "Just sayin."

Woman: "Oh ok."

See? No explanation, no apology. I love it. It's extremely versatile as well, I can apply to people, places and things. It usually applies to something that is obviously bad and the listener knows it to be true, but just won't admit it.

Bless Their Heart Defined

"Bless Their Heart" is a Southern term that is used to excuse insults and offensive statements. It's exclusively used down here, as I have never heard anybody say it above the Mason-Dixon Line. It is often used prior to the offensive statement or directly thereafter, to soften the blow of the offensiveness. For example...

"Bless her heart, but Tammy is dumber than a bag of hammers."

This is more of an apology that "just sayin." It's also not quite as versatile as "just sayin," as it only applies to people, but that makes it no less useful. It's telling the listener, "look, I'm going to say this, it may not be very nice, but here goes...." You can hear this anywhere and anytime because people don't feel as guilty when they attach "Bless Their Heart." You don't believe me? Go to a Baptist church at 12:05 when everybody is standing outside talking before hitting the lunch buffet. You'll hear more "bless their hearts" than "ummms" in a George W. Bush speech. (I'm a Baptist.....just sayin')

I've always wanted a day where I could say what I feel without consequences. I know that day will never actually come, but with "just sayin" and "bless their heart," it's the next best thing. So, here are five examples for your reading pleasure:

1) When are people in large metro areas, specifically Atlanta, going to "believe" that a murder took place in their neighborhood? Undoubtedly, when somebody is gunned down in Atlanta, the news teams sprint to the scene and interview the neighbors. Every single time, the interviewee will say something like "I just can't believe this happened here." You can set your watch by it, just like the "train" comments in a tornado aftermath interview. White or black, young or old, man or woman, it's always the same. Never do you hear, "yeah, it was 2:30 AM, what do you expect? This place is dangerous, my neighbors suck and I wish I could move." Nope. Shock and disbelief, like it was snowing in Death Valley in June.

Atlanta is consistently in the Top Ten of every major violent crime category that exists. These murders happen everywhere, every day. Buckhead, Downtown, Midtown, Fulton, Dekalb, it doesn't make a difference. This is no secret. Get a clue, this is a reality in this city and has been for quite some time, so "believe" it. Just sayin.

2) Bless her heart, but Adele's "Rolling In The Deep" is quickly joining my "God, how many times CAN they play this song" list. It's not a bad song, but my goodness, I feel like the faculty in "PCU" when Jeremy Piven locks them in a ballroom for 3 hours and puts "Afternoon Delight" on repeat at max volume. (If you haven't seen PCU, you are missing out). Madness ensues and the faculty basically destroys the entire ballroom trying to get out. That's me, except I'm in the Jetta and contemplating either driving into the Chattahoochee River or going the wrong way down West Peachtree.

3) The recent obesity figures were released and it was not good news for most states in the South. Apparently, we gorge ourselves on bad foods, live sedentary lives, and partake in vices that increase our waistline and decrease our life expectancy. I was at Starbucks last week and a woman was in line in front of me. She probably field dressed at 285. She was wearing house shoes and sweat pants, with a cell phone glued to her ear. It was 3:30 in the afternoon and it was painfully obvious she had just gotten out of bed. You might think, “well, you jerk, it may be her day off.” Stay tuned.

She orders a venti (extra large in snooty coffee speak) caramel frapuccino with whipped cream with extra caramel on top. This is about 600 calories of pure sugar, carbs and saturated fat. She never gets off the cell phone. She pays with a credit card, of course. Why carry $4.00 in cash anyway? She then waddles her enormous backside out to her late model SUV with a handicapped tag affixed to the rear view mirror. (thus destroying the day off theory mentioned before). This person is as handicapped as I am. There was no knee brace, no cane, no walker. Maybe you should order a water to go and walk a few miles instead of sucking down pure sugar, live off my tax money and then take advantage of free medical services when you have a massive heart attack….just sayin.

4) Bless his heart, but Will Ferrell’s humor is playing out in my opinion. Honestly, I found “Talladega Nights” boring (I still don’t get the humor from the baby Jesus prayer thing) and “Step Brothers” was simply not funny, with the exception of the drum set scene. I’m not even going to talk about “Semi Pro.” I enjoy slapstick comedy as much as anyone, but it just seems he is forcing his act now. He has resorted to phrases that are just silly toilet humor or make no sense, it sounds like something I came up with in 4th grade. I think his current writers are screwing him up because he was beyond hilarious on SNL.

5) The sports networks need to get rid of halftime interviews with football coaches. Have you ever experienced the awkwardness of watching one of these things? I was watching Alabama and Ole Miss last year and one of ESPN's female reporters approached Nick Saban as soon as the 2nd quarter clock hit 0:00. Bama had played poorly in the first half and Saban was clearly unhappy. The man wears his disdain on his sleeve, you don't have to wonder if Nick Saban is pissed off. She asks a pointed question like...

"Coach, your defense gave up 150 yards rushing in the first half and the offense couldn't score and turned it over twice, how are you going to fix this for the second half?" Then she jams the mike right in his face.

Saban cuts his eyes at her. His mouth starts moving, "we will have to get our act together, re-evaluate our defense, blah blah, coachspeak, blah, blah." His eyes tell another story....

"What kind of dumb question is that? What am I going to do? I don't know, dumbass! I'm so pissed off right now, I'm about to bite through the damn goalpost. I didn't know how many yards they had until you just told me, so I'm going to ream the hell out of my line when I get back in the locker room. I'm so glad that you are here, appeasing the networks and sponsors, asking me these questions with the innate football knowledge you acquired at journalism school at Northwestern. Now get outta the way before I eat your mike."

Then he tersely says "thanks" and runs into the locker room. This is repeated by hundreds of other coaches across the country, especially in the SEC, where a single losing season can send you to the unemployment line. The coaches never tell these people anything of value, never appear to be happy about being interviewed and frankly, it makes me uncomfortable to watch somebody who knows nothing of football strategy ram a mike in a coach's face right after his team sucked for an entire half. It would be like me going to Paula Deen and saying, "hey, Paula, put some salt on that casserole, it will make it taste better." I know diddly about cooking, I just know how to eat. Just sayin.

The Legend of Yoda: Cassville's finest


Got One on the Front!

The sun beat down on the pavement on a hot summer day in 1994. It was one of those days where the birds weren’t even flying around, it was so hot. I was back in the hardware arranging the cracked corn and scratch feed, pricing the bags and separating them according to their size. I didn’t mind that kind of work, honestly. I always felt like I accomplished something when I put up 200 bags of feed, soil, peat moss and fertilizer. Not to mention 25 blocks of salt for deer season, which weighed 50 pounds, but I swear to everything holy that they weighed 200 pounds a piece. You ever tried to carry one? It’s more awkward than watching “Wild Things” with your parents.

Anyhow, I was tossing bags left and right when Russell yelled, “Got one on the front!” I put down my price gun and sprinted down the first aisle, past the cereal, the paper towels and the medicine. The heat wave just blasted my 13 year old face. There was not a breeze within 100 miles of us. The vehicle parked beside the gas pumps was a common sight for my eyes. A mid 80’s Camaro with a hatch, primer gray, missing muffler, leaking oil, and shaking to a stop next to the regular unleaded pump. The hood is being held down with a twisted coat hanger. There are dead wasps (waw-st-es, remember?) under the glass in the hatch. The driver door opens with a creak and this man gets out. At least I think it was a man. It weighed about 100 lbs soaking wet with a sunken face and missing teeth. It’s arms were down to it’s knees, it was wearing a tattered old flannel shirt, pants, boots and a cap that read, “This cap is mine. Everything else is hers.” He muttered in English, “Gimme two dollars worf.” ($2.00 worth of gas). Back then, $2.00 could get you to Marietta and back. Now, you might be able to get from the store to Firetower Road
before you have to use your finger. (Alan Jackson reference +1).

The man strides into the store. I unhook the pump and turn the knob to clear the machine for pumping. We didn’t have the computerized pumps with credit card capability. Those pumps were older than me, my brother, and Russell combined. That was part of the charm to be honest, their simplicity. Plus, it was funny to watch people from Atlanta try to figure out how they work.

Genius #1:“My gosh, Bill, where does the card go?” “I can’t turn this on!”

Genius #2: “I don’t know! Excuse me, young man!” (addressing me)

Me(turning the knob for them): “Y’all gotta pay inside, and we don’t take Discover.”

I open the gas tank door. There is a napkin in the place of a cap. I’m sure the cap was stolen when the last person siphoned gas out of their tank. That was a common occurrence back then, strangely. I start the pump and watch the cents tick by on the meter. I stare down at my Air Jordans, covered in dirt and 10-10-10 fertilizer. Neen (my grandmother) is gonna kill me for working in my new shoes, I just know it. Suddenly, the passenger door pops open, startling me. The vehicle rocks, like somebody is getting momentum to throw themselves out of the seat and into the parking lot. A figure materializes.

Close Encounters of the Bartow Kind

It was much shorter than the man, probably 5’0 and hunched over. It had dirty yellow/white/gray hair matted down on its head. It was wearing a housecoat that appeared to have been pink at some point. Now, it was brown/yellow/gray with pink spots. Waddling around the car, it glanced over at me. Making eye contact with it, I was taken aback. Now, we have been subject to many strange looking people, servicing the area that we did. However, this one was especially heinous. One eye was closed, the other was opened, staring at me. The face was wrinkled beyond belief, the chin had stringy white hairs growing out of it. The mouth was slightly opened, revealing brown tobacco stained teeth. The brown tobacco juice had made its way onto the chin and the cheeks. The sight of this figure made me forget how much I wanted a hot dog for lunch.

The figure I assumed was a woman, since the man’s cap said “everything else is hers.” I guess this was “her.” I was so busy staring at her that I messed up and pumped $3.25 in their tank. Sweet. That’s a $1.25 out of my pay and a free trip to Chattanooga for them. I am about to stop the pump and grab the napkin (cap). For some reason, I keep hearing this clicking noise. I look around for the source. I look under the car. I put my ear up to the pump, maybe the belt is loose. Nope. My ears finally zone in on what it was. I cast my eyes toward it. There are a few regrets in my life…..I never studied abroad, I never saw Michael Jordan play live, and I once accused a friend of stealing my wallet before I found it in my shorts in the laundry. None of these unfortunate events compare to what my eyes saw that day. The woman was barefoot. The clicking was a long black toenail on her left foot striking the pavement with each step. It had to be two inches long. I closed my eyes, nauseated. God, please don’t let me hurl.

No Joy in Mudville

Into the store I go, following behind her. The smell hits my nose. A combination of body odor, urine, feces and tobacco. That explains the coloration on the housecoat. I clench my jaws, resisting the Waffle House hash browns that were itching to escape my stomach. Russell mouths to me, “Holy shit.” He grabs the Lysol under the cabinet. She waddles past the candy rack, click click click. The smell is permeating the air, destroying the sweet BBQ scent that was wafting amongst the aisles. She comes to a stop at the ice cream cooler. This indicates that she wants one of us to dip an ice cream for her. Russell looks at me, looks back at the hardware and shouts to no one, “Be right there, sir!” He runs away laughing. I’m stuck. There is no joy in Mudville. I open the door and in the best tone I could muster, “What would you like?” The woman looks up at me, one eye still closed, chin whiskers waving in the air conditioning and says, “Gimme a dip a niller.” (A dip of vanilla).

That was the fastest ice cream ever dipped. That vanilla was frozen solid and I had skinny arms but I could have smashed clear to the bottom of that 3 gallon Mayfield tub. I wanted her gone. I hand her the cone. With the tobacco still in her mouth, she begins to lick the ice cream. It gets in her chin whiskers. I see Russell watching from the back, aghast. My gag reflex is working overtime. The man is standing at the counter, ready to pay me. He gets a pack of cigarettes, a can of Bruton snuff for his woman and hands me the cash. Click, click, click. She exits the building. He leaves with a “preciate it” and out to the chariot he goes. Russell is weaving through the aisles, uttering every four letter word in the book, dousing the air with “Country Flowers” or “Summer Rain” or whatever scent we could find to annihilate the foulness left behind. I hear the Camaro rev up and leave in a cloud of smoke and dust.

Aftershocks

For years, when we saw that Camaro pull up, a collective groan would arise. Out would come the Lysol and our eyes would avert to the ceiling because the woman never wore shoes, so the “click click click” happened each and every time she came in. So did the housecoat, the closed eye, the smell and the chin whiskers. She got an ice cream every time, always vanilla. Even now, the thought of that incomparable disgustingness destroys my appetite. We never knew her name, but we bestowed “Yoda” upon her because it was the closest related creature we could think of to describe her. The legend of Yoda grew every time she entered the store, kind of like a big fish that gets bigger every time the story is told. We did figure out a couple of things about her. She lived with about 12 other people in a shack up in Adairsville. Her supposed granddaughters, who were 2 of the 12, worked at a local restaurant, so any trips to that particular establishment were absolutely out of the question. I wouldn’t buy a cup of ice from that place, even now.

I think Yoda died in 1999 (or flew back to the Dagobah System). She was 137 years old. =) (Coming to America reference +1)






Obscure Song You Should Download

Steely Dan is one of the most underrated bands of all time, in my opinion. How many times do you ever hear them mentioned in any "greatest ever" lineups? Never. I love Steely Dan because they cross so many borders with their music, like an American version of Traffic. They have numerous hits that are very radio friendly, like "Reelin in the Years," "Peg," "Old School" and "Deacon Blues." Everyone knows the sound that Steely Dan has, it's almost jazz, almost rock, and almost blues....but not quite. They just own their sound, plain and simple. Any band that can do that can call themselves a success (with the exception of some 80's new wave acts who sucked beyond belief).


From Steely Dan's  1972 album "Can't Buy a Thrill," I bring you "Dirty Work."

Xboxes and Embolisms: A cynic's take

So, a story comes out of Britain last week where 20 year old student Chris Staniforth literally played Xbox for so long that his body formed a blood clot that went to his heart and killed him. Doctors theorize that a deep vein thrombosis occurred, which triggers the pooling of blood and the formation of the clot. When the clot travels to the heart, it stops beating and the victim suffers from a fatal pulmonary embolism. Hours of inactivity, with the exception of the thumbs, took this kid's life. Apparently, this kid spent up to 12 hours a day staring at his TV screen in a fantasy world of computerized soldiers and cheat codes. Now the parents are creating an awareness campaign to help others save their children from a similar death.

Give me a damn break. An awareness campaign? Aware of what? That sitting on your ass for half a day, every day, is not particularly beneficial? That being completely devoid of social skills, physical prowess or any motivation to contribute to society should not be the goal of this generation? I feel sorry for these parents for losing their son. I could not imagine the sadness of burying a 20 year old. But let's be real, for one minute at least. This kid is the product of a generation that wants for nothing. He had the time to play games for 12 hours a day. In that 12 hours, he could have been working, playing a sport, or studying. Instead, he chose to live in a fantasy world....and stay in it all day. It's a world that means absolutely nothing, warrants no merit whatsoever, and I cannot think of one positive thing about playing a video game for longer than an hour.

What separates us from our furry and scaled counterparts on this earth is free will. We have the ability to decide what we want to do, unlike the other animals on this earth. This was a 20 year old man (according to the world's definition of a man) who freely decided to sit on his keyster until he died. They call him an "addict," I'm calling it apathy. This is not a drug that alters the chemical structures in your brain. It's a piece of plastic with microchips. Microsoft, the manufacturer of Xbox, released a statement encouraging gamers to "take breaks to exercise as well as make time for other pursuits." Duh. I don't blame Microsoft though, they just make the product. All this kid had to do was hit the "off" button and walk away. Grab a basketball and shoot it. Jog a mile. Go fishing. His body decided to hold him accountable for his inactivity, plain and simple. You want awareness? Go outside and get aware of the Earth in all it's glory. Meet new people. Go on a road trip with your closest friends and take a 1,000 pictures. Take the Xbox and punt kick it into the nearest body of water while you're at it, I promise you won't miss a thing.

Obscure Song You Should Download

This one goes way back, when lyrical hip hop was king and there was no such thing as "Make Em Say Uhh" and "Skeet, Skeet, Skeet" and all the other crunk music with a one line hook to reel you in. I've never been a fan of that movement at all. Lyricism in hip hop is making a comeback in 2011, I think. A Tribe Called Quest would be a great example for the new generation looking to revive the golden age of hip hop (1987-1993). From their album, "Midnight Marauders," enjoy "Electric Relaxation."

I Only Know a Few Cowboys



            One of the most poignant songs I remember from my childhood was “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” by Paula Cole. It was insanely popular when I was in high school, especially with girls. It had a cool sound and her voice was very nice and synthesizer free. It also mentioned John Wayne and tractors, so guys could get behind it too. As with any song, once it falls off the charts it fades from the radio just that fast. Paula Cole made a few more songs after that and disappeared. I saw her on a “Where Are They Now?” episode on VH1 last year. She just decided the fast life wasn’t for her and became a homemaker. Good for you, Paula.

            If you look at the lyrics of the song, it sends several messages. It depends on the person listening as to what message they derive. For some women, it asks “Is chivalry dead?”  Well, ladies, it’s hanging on by a thread. We are at an all time high in rudeness at the present, so get back to me in a few years. Others take a more cynical approach, thinking it mocks the general American ideal of the “man of the house.” I could see that as well. For me, I think Paula is asking what happened to the cowboy side of the American male. She notices that all we do is work, come home and sit on the couch with little to no interest in anything other than food and TV. Is she wrong? Judging by the astounding recent numbers in obesity and heart disease, I think not. Are we too concerned with our work futures to pay attention to ourselves and others? Are we afraid to take risks because we think we have too much to lose?

            The emasculation of the American male is to blame for many of the problems we face in our country today. The generations of men before us had principles. They took a stand when it was time. They saved the world from tyranny in WWII. They worked hard, played hard, and always took care of their families. Cowboys. Real men. The cowboys in this country have been mentally beaten into a pulp by a politically correct society. Other men use excuses like a rough childhood, ADD, the Coreolis Effect, the infield fly rule or whatever excuse is convenient at that point in time to explain their indifference and laziness. Since the 1960’s, the leadership in this country has given away too many hall passes and free lunches. Men don’t have to be men anymore. The blame goes to the man for allowing himself to become useless and the mindset of this generation that accepts this behavior.
           
                 Think about this: You go into a bar with your wife in Georgia. After having a couple of drinks (which is legal, by the way) and minding your own business, another patron comes up to your wife and says an inappropriate comment. Taking offense, you inform him that she is your wife and that will not be tolerated. He rebuffs in his drunken state and challenges you. In your anger, you throw a punch and knock the man unconscious, breaking his orbital lobe and blacking his eye. The bar owner calls the police. When the police arrive, they investigate the scene and see a man with a noticeable injury laying on the floor. Once they derive that you caused this injury, you are arrested and charged with aggravated assault, a felony. The drunken fool conveniently does not remember anything. Even if you beat the charge, you still have 1) an arrest on your record; 2) if you hire a lawyer, he is going to bill you by the hour; 3) time away from work dealing with the arraignment, motion hearings, trial, etc. You could also plead guilty to a lesser charge, where you will be forced to be on probation, pay fines, attend anger management and probably some community service. All for defending your turf. If you don’t want to pay out the nose, then sit back and let another man make inappropriate comments to your wife and do nothing. Tell him he should have more class. Tell him how rude he is. That works about as well as “time out” does for five-year olds. I’m sorry, some people just need to get hit and a man should not be lambasted legally or financially for standing his ground.

            I’m not saying that anarchy should replace what we have. I’m not saying men should have different rules than women. The man’s role in this world continues to be distorted by the law, by the number of divorces and child custody issues, and the unbelievably sensitive society we are becoming. Public schools cannot discipline children for fear of being sued, essentially allowing 10 year olds to do whatever they please. Medicate them and send them to the next grade with a pat on the back. Georgia recently voted to get rid of the High School Graduation Tests, in my opinion, because of the high failure rates. That is wonderful strategy….when things get rough, just bail out. This teaches a young man absolutely nothing but apathy and disrespect.  

I’m also hearing about sports leagues around the country that don’t keep score because they don’t want the boys to be upset if they lose. Seriously? Great life lesson, folks. Everybody wins, everybody gets a trophy. Loss is 50% of REAL life. You are teaching them entitlement and turning them into brats. These brats grow up and have no intestinal fortitude when the real world body checks them into the glass. Life is about taking risks, falling down and getting back up. Sometimes, there’s nobody there to help you get up. Those are the times when a man is made, when you stand up on your own and tell the world to bring it on.

I wrote this because I was looking at a picture I found of my granddad the other day. It was 1942 and he was in his Army uniform, about to be shipped out to North Africa to fight the Nazis. He was 24 years old with a new son he had never met because he left for training before my uncle was born. He left his childhood home in south Georgia at age 15 because my great grandfather drank whiskey like it was water and beat him and his siblings daily, prompting my great grandmother to tell him to leave before “your daddy kills you.” He hitchhiked to Atlanta and joined a CCC camp, where he remained until the war started. He was a staff sergeant in the 20th Combat Engineers Battalion that chased Erwin Rommel across the North African desert. He was in the first wave of troops to hit Omaha Beach, where he laid for three days, using the bodies of dead Americans to protect him from the gunfire. He froze at the Battle of the Bulge. He fought the mud and the bullets in Sicily. He celebrated in Germany when the war ended. He came home and worked in a mill for the rest of his life. He never made much money, but he took care of my mom, my grandmother and my uncles. He paid their house off. He put my mom through college with no loans because he refused to owe anyone that much money. He never bitched and complained about his father or all the blood and death he witnessed overseas. He didn’t take drugs. He didn’t ask for anything from anyone, took shit from nobody, and would stand up for himself at the drop of a hat. A man with every excuse to be apathetic and useless, but I guess he didn’t see it that way. He died plowing a field on a hot August day in 1985. That’s the cowboy Paula was looking for.

I only hope to be half the man he was.

           

           

5 Realizations From This Week

1) It would have been cool to be a roadie for an 80's new wave band...maybe Duran Duran or The Human League. I could see myself now, in a skinny tie, acid washed Jordaches, black Chuck Taylors, and my coat sleeves rolled up with neon green sunglasses. Holding back all the coked out 80's chicks from ransacking the band's dressing room, saying "whoa, whoa, whoa" in my best fake British accent. Ahhhh, the 80's. Ships passing in the night.

2) Is it a rule that people with oversized diesel trucks MUST back into a parking space? It could be an empty lot with tumbleweed blowing across the horizon, it doesn't matter. It takes him 10 minutes to maneuver the jalopy into position, then he must sit there with the truck running for ten more minutes while he finishes his conversation on his Nextel. In this conversation, you must reference either a) something about construction; b) something about plumbing and/or irrigation; or c) somebody's "old lady" along with construction, irrigation or possibly hunting. Also, you must have a Browning sticker or a deer skull across the back windshield. None of these rules are negotiable. If you do not abide by these rules, then you lose your Nextel and are forced to drive a Honda Element.

3) The funniest book I've ever read is "Excuse Me, While I Kiss This Guy," a book about misheard song lyrics. They are called mondegreens and I highly suggest you get on Amazon and purchase this book.

 My personal favorites: "Hold me close, oh Tony Danza," (Tiny Dancer - Elton John) "Slow Motion Walter, Fire Engine Guy," (Smoke on the Water - Deep Purple) "She sees the hat rack, is she going to touch it?" (Invisible Touch - Phil Collins) and "Wake Up, I Might Sit On You." (Got My Mind Set on You - George Harrison).

4) I recently read an article criticizing George W. Bush for his non-reaction when he was informed about the Twin Towers on 9/11/01. If you recall, he visiting an elementary school in Florida when a White House aide whispered the news in W's ear. He showed no emotion and continued to listen to the story as if nothing happened. I'm curious to know what his critics would have him do at that point. Maybe this?


No, he pretty much went back to D.C. and did this....


5) So, Amy Winehouse died. It's apparently a global travesty and a shock, even though she admittedly binged like fiend and refused to go to rehab. I guess that was part of her appeal to some people. I have listened to some of her work and frankly, I am not impressed in the slightest. What is the big deal? She is being compared to Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison and that's where this music snob draws the line. Amy Winehouse did not define a generation. She is not transcendent. She does not have more hits than years on this Earth. One article I read asked the question, "What will the music world do now?"

        I can think of several questions that I would rather have answered than "what will the music world do without Amy Winehouse?"

        1) What is the square root of 8,743?
        2) How hard is a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, really?
        3) Do my aviators make my face look small?
        4) Why is the speed limit only 55 MPH on I-285 between Riverside Drive and GA 400?
        5) When is the next "Buy 2 suits, get 7 free with 4 ties and 3 pairs of socks " sale at Jos. A. Bank?

Get Your Greek On : Fifteen Classics


            When I was in college from 1999-2003, I definitely experienced Athens nightlife to the fullest. While I was not out of control, I knew that my four years would fly by and I would soon be paying student loans and mortgages, so I never missed an opportunity for fun. Most of the bars and clubs that I frequented were very similar to one another, and I normally saw the same people as I navigated College Avenue and Broad Street in search of another night filled with possible crazy stories, maybe a fight or two and a couple of phone numbers of the fairer sex stored in my Nokia (which weighed about 2 pounds back then). The places I went were normally filled with Greeks, frat boys and girls in search of basically the same thing as I. Mixing beer and liquor with testosterone and girls meant that any one of those bars could produce all three of the aforementioned events in a manner of minutes. The next morning was spent trying to recall it all over a Wendy’s double stack with a large fry and a sweet tea for $3.18. You could always count on Wendy’s in Athens. There was one every 2 miles, with cheap, delicious burgers and terrible service. As long as those square shaped patties came out hot, I did not care that the waitstaff treated me and everyone else like a dog. Somebody’s gotta cook the fries, my 10th grade English teacher used to say.

            Another thing you could count on in Athens was music. We are famous for garage rock or alt-rock. REM. The B-52’s. Drive By Truckers. People from all over come to Athens in search of the next great alt-rock band, which could be found at the 40 Watt Club more than likely. I honestly never set foot in the 40 Watt. I was not into the alt-rock scene at all. I noticed that many other Greeks shared the same sentiment, you didn’t see many of them leaving the 40 Watt at 3 AM after a riveting Neutral Milk Hotel show. I have nothing against alt-rock, but it is simply just not my cup of tea. The Greek bars never played that type of music either. The Greek bars in Athens played what the average white Southern, college aged kid wanted to hear. Classic rock with small doses of rap, hair ballads and country thrown into the mix. In fact, when I traveled to other college towns during football season, I noticed that their bars played the same music (with the exception of Nashville).  I realized that some songs are simply staples of college nightlife in the South. There are some songs that you will hear nearly every single time you go out, at any bar, and I bet that it still holds true today. Did this happen intentionally? No. Tradition and familiarity dictated that certain songs would push to the forefront of every bar’s playlist, where they remain, like the rocks of Stonehenge. So, without further delay, here are the fifteen staple songs (with descriptions) that dominated the auditory landscape of college bars back then.

1)      Back in Black by AC/DC: This song has an easy chorus, as it is only one line, conveniently the title of the song. So if you were a drunk freshman and had no clue what the words were to the rest of the song, you could croon these three words and fit right in. This causes many guys to reminisce on their high school football days as every single high school in Georgia apparently played this song as their intro.
2)      The Hurricane by Bob Dylan: This song moderates the normally right wing Greek crowd. It says, “yeah, we feel for the little man, the wronged, the forgotten and all that.” It’s fun to watch people try to sing along, as Bob Dylan is the only person who can sing every word to this one. Plus, Matthew McConaughey entered the Emporium to this song on “Dazed and Confused” with his Bob Marley shirt complete with cigarette pack rolled up in his sleeve. If you find something cooler than that, I’ll kiss your ass, which leads me to…..
3)      If That Ain’t Country by David Allen Coe: If you were in a Greek organization and did not know the words to this song, then you would be flogged with a water hose in the front yard. This song makes frat boys feel tough. The rich guys from the suburbs especially liked this one, it would often elicit discussion about their family’s “huntin land” down in south Georgia, complete with fake Southern twang followed by the lighting of a cigarette.
4)      Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison: Typically reserved for the end of the night, when the patronage is smashed out of their gourd. The progression: song plays, guy grabs girl, does a halfass swing dance with her, dips her when Van says “You myyyyyy _______eyed girl” and sings that final line right to her face. I added the blank because in order to be cool, you change the color according to the subject girl’s eye color. You dip her so you can get a closer look at her eyes right before you yell it in her face.
5)      Sweet Child Of Mine by Guns and Roses: The beginning riff will absolutely stir the masses to a frenzy. Lots of wide eyes, followed by “oooooohhhh shit!” and several drunken high fives. The chorus is another easy one, once again, conveniently it is the title over and over.
6)      Ramblin Man by The Allman Brothers Band: Chicks don’t really dig this song, but the guys love it. It’s just a good Southern rock staple that you often hear in the middle of the night between the hair ballads and the rap. This is a song that most guys can sing from beginning to end without screwing it up. You might see a little air guitar on this one and a couple of hats get turned around backwards.
7)      More Than a Feeling by Boston: You want some serious air guitar? Seriously, the mega popular sitcom Scrubs had an entire episode based on an airband comprised of the hospital staff and this song was their finale. That is all you will get with this one, as the words are impossible to sing. Chicks are not into this one either. Often played after 1 AM when the crowd needs a pick-me-up, they have been out since happy hour started at 4 PM anyway.
8)      Dixieland Delight by Alabama: When Napster was popular, I was forced to download this song and had to play it at every party because the female population would lead a full scale revolt if I did not. This is the sorority girl song of the decade. There is no contest. The boys from Fort Payne had no idea how big this one would get, but it’s huge in every bar in Athens.
9)      Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash: This song is big for one reason….it’s cool to like Johnny Cash. It does not have a great sound, poignant lyrics or virtuoso guitar playing. However, it is wildly popular among Greeks, as Johnny Cash represents outlaw behavior with little regard for the consequences, which seems to tie right into the crowd that enjoys him.
10)   Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: This song can be heard toward the end of the night. It will often result in some groups gathering up, arm-in arm, and swaying while belting out the chorus. It’s a good wind down song that brings people together for one last binge before the night ends.
11)   The Joker by The Steve Miller Band: If there was a song that I could say that I heard EVERY SINGLE time I went out, this would be it. Everybody likes to chime in on “Some people call me Maurice, woo woooooo.” In fact, the entire bar would go silent for a nanosecond so they could all do it in sync. Just like a herd of cattle or a school of fish.
12)   Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett: See Johnny Cash. Replace outlaw behavior with extreme alcohol and marijuana consumption.
13)   Rosa Parks by Outkast: A rap song that white boys and girls can sing without sounding completely ridiculous.
14)   Livin on A Prayer by Bon Jovi: This song has it all. Easy chorus, serious air guitar potential, the ability to cause large groups of people to get arm and arm and scream to the top of their lungs. If you graduated from UGA and did not know this song, then you never went outside your dorm room after 10 on a weekend.
15)  Just a Friend by Biz Markie: Before the Heineken commercial, this song was big. If you didn’t hear it at the bar, then it would certainly be requested at a house party. I have tried to figure out a way to dance to it, but this one’s actually more famous for the words. “I axed her her name, she said blah blah blah.” You cannot get better than that. It’s also funny to hear white people say it.

Obscure Song You Should Download

The Fixx is one of my favorite 80's bands, they have such a meaningful sound that flies in the face of so many godawful new wave acts that arose from 1980-1985. Every time I hear a song by The Fixx, I just want to pull out my old Lite Brite and make a clown face. The Fixx is known for two songs, "Red Skies" and of course, "One Things Leads to Another," which is on their album from 1983 called "Reach the Beach." (check out the cool album cover on wikipedia) This album also contains another song that I think is even better......."Saved By Zero." Enjoy!